Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Drugs

I first used marijuana when I was in University. I remember it clearly, it was a party and everyone was smoking marijuana. I had never tried it and saw no reason to not do it. I was fairly disappointed by it, I got little of a high from it and so when I smoked more during the rest of my University years, it was only because everyone else was. University was also where I started smoking cigarettes seriously and drinking harder than I had while I was still living at home.

After I left University and moved across the country, I stopped smoking marijuana but never stopped smoking cigarettes or drinking.

It was at another party that I first used cocaine. That I definitely enjoyed, far more than I had ever enjoyed marijuana. But I knew from the start how much more addictive it was and that I had to regulate my use. So I was careful to never use more than once or twice a week, and that continued for about three or four years. My only other drug use was my one experiment with methamphetamines and I am not likely to try that again.

Giuseppe was the only friend who I regularly used cocaine with. Lately the using grew more intense, to several times a week. I still did not think that I was addicted to it, just that it helped to remove some stress from my life, from a life where I was branching away from the traditional and getting involved with a man. Homosexuality seemed as good an excuse to use more cocaine than I had previously.

Then I came to Napoli and it was a lot harder to get high when I was living with my father. I think that I have been going through mild withdrawal since, but that is not what I wanted to write about.

Lately, I have been sneaking out not only for sex, but also for drugs. It has made me feel better to get high, even though I know that it solves no problems. Since returning to Napoli after my disaster with Giuseppe, I have not allowed myself to do so and I think that I will be able to hold that conviction for a little while longer.

Once I return to Rimini, whenever that may be, though, it will be harder. My dealer lives very close to me and while we are not friends, so to speak, I run into him during my normal life as well as when I am buying from him. It will be very difficult to resist temptation.

I know that drugs are not the answer to my problems. My father does not know that I use any kind of narcotic, or I would be in a rehabilitation program before I knew what had happened to me. I know that all drugs do are mask the problems that are really plaguing me.

One of the comments on a previous post said that because of one-drug induced affair with a man that I claim myself as a homosexual. And that is not exactly true. Firstly, my affair BEGAN as drug-induced. We used together on occasion during our (brief) relationship, but we were largely not high when we were together. Nor do I claim myself as heterosexual, I have a definite attraction to men. All I say is that I have yet to have a long-term successful relationship with either a man or a woman. Relationships are not something I am very good at. And maybe he (or she) is right and I will find a woman and live happily ever after. But maybe he (or she) is wrong and I am more interested in men. And maybe he (or she) is neither right nor wrong and I will find no one to be happy with in the long-term. I have seen no preaching to "convert me" to homosexuality, though, in the comments I have received. All I have found is support and understanding.

I do know that I am confused about my sexuality. I do know that I am confused about what I want. I do know that although I have feelings that I am in some way abnormal, I am trying to get past that.

Anyone who knows me will say that I am stubborn and vain and self-centered and that no one can push me around. Whatever decision I make will be mine alone and no one, woman, man, lover, friend, will be able to convince me of something against my will.

5 Comments:

At 3:06 PM, Blogger Minge said...

Although the drug use isn't so good, your understanding that any decisions you come to will be yours and yours alone to make is fabulous.

You will get there, Alessandro, you really will.

It's all good.

 
At 5:58 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

I refuse to let anyone make decisions for me.

I am far too much of a stuck-up rich kid to do that.

What I want is what I want and whatever it is I will get it.

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger RIC said...

Sincerely hope so! Provided you pull yourself together and decide in your own mind what you want to do.
A while ago I was really pissed off by that annymous «soab»! I want you to know henceforth I'll support your decision, no matter which. I wrote and write again I couldn't care less if you end up in the arms of a man or a woman. It's up to you and you alone to make that decision. I haven't and have never had any intention whatsoever of dragging you into my bed... I don't even KNOW you to start with. For heavens sake! Gosh, that guy really knows how to piss off another guy. I wonder how he landed here...
Well, try to put your mind of drugs and to find something that may shift your attention elsewhere.
Go to the beach, go to the movies, lock yourself up in a museum, go to a church and try to learn by heart every detail of it, its history, its... whatever. Main thing is you have to be busy and distracted.
Alessandro, promise me you'll keep your head together, will you?
Non farmi un dispiacere, te ne prego. Sofrirei troppo, ci sono sicuro...
Vivi la tua vita senza le malatie che non ai e non ai bisogna d'avere. Okay?

 
At 1:04 AM, Blogger Gray said...

You sound like a strong man who is very capable of making his own decisions. We all have faith in that. And... That is the reason we are here to support you, no matter what the decision is.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger alessandro said...

I know that I need support more than I need someone to help make a decision for me. If any one other than me makes the decision I might end up ultimately unhappy and that is not what I want

 

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