Saturday, July 29, 2006

empty

I really cannot summon up the energy to write a long and thoughtful blog post. Depression seems to have grabbed me and for no reason at all: I should be glad that later today I will be driving home. I should be glad that I might get a new and better-paying job.

But I am not.

I went out last night. Not to party, or get drunk, or get laid. I went to Church. It still means so much to me and I get a lot of comfort from going. It is the same Church that I was baptised in, the same Church I went to all through my childhood. A comfort object, maybe.

It had a calming effect on me. Earlier last night I had some definite self-destructive urges. After leaving, I felt calm. I did not want to hurt myself.

Now I am just empty.

Empty and alone and incomplete. And I have no idea what I am looking for to fill that void in my soul.

3 Comments:

At 10:00 PM, Blogger RIC said...

You'll have both to look for and to be receptive. It goes both ways. Try not to anticipate, to plan. «Take the hours as they come / Nobody brings them back to you», some German poet said. In Brindisi you'll be on your own, so you'll have to be more attentive.
As you so well know, it won't be in a gay bar that you'll find a soul to share your life with.
Try to stay calm in order to fill somehow that void. One's inner world is paramount! Please, don't forget this!
I've grown to like you, Alessandro, and I'm willing to help you as I've helped some pupils of mine these last few years. Don't let yourself get bored so easily, okay? :-)

 
At 12:10 PM, Blogger Gray said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so sadly. Perhaps church is where you'll find some comfort.

Although from a religious background, I cannot imagine the pains that you are going through. My "preacher" says that "Father loves you! He may not like what you're doing, but He loves you!" Let that sink in your mind.

He made us as we *are*! He loves us for ourselves! Please stop being so harsh on yourself.

 
At 5:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry but it doesn't feel like your depression is a real thing. I've been there before and I totally understand the sensation of emptyness you are experiencing, cause I've felt it before.

But let me tell you, it's not real. It happens when you are ready for some changes, but they are not quite there yet. Basically, when you wait, and everything around you seems so temporary.

It would be a lot easier if you had a soul mate to share this pain with. Not a lover, not the love of your life, just a friend.

 

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