Thursday, July 20, 2006

Enough

First, I want to thank everyone who left a comment on that blog post I wrote yesterday, and especially to those who e-mailed me with words of support. Thank you all, so very much.

I have made a couple of decisions regarding my life. This was done after I woke a friend up in the middle of the night and proceeded to cry my heart out to her and keep her up most of the night with my whining and complaining. I am lucky to have her, no matter how much I feel as though I am abusing the friendship.

Anyway, with her help, I have decided some things.

First, all of this moaning and griping and depression is going to get me nowhere in life except further towards one day when I will put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I aim to avoid that day for as long as possible, hopefully forever. So that has to change. I have to stop sitting in my room, listening to sad music, drinking, and getting high. Because that is what I have been doing, despite myself telling me not to. I have not been going out (except to get drugs and alcohol) and I think being stuck inside is contributing to my mood.

I am going to start running again. Three months ago, I had a sixpack, and in general was fairly toned, muscle-wise. Now all that has gone, and I want it back. I have heard that excerise is a fairly good way to lift moods, so perhaps it will help. And as I have nothing to do with my life until I go back to Rimini in a week and a half, I might as well get started.

Second, the random and anonymous sex, for the most part, has to stop. I know it is dangerous and I can only be lucky for so long. Even if it means I must abstain from sex, I need to get the rest of my life under some control before I go out every night and more or less whore myself.

Third, I need to accept the fact that it is highly unlikely that Giuseppe will take me back, and frankly, I do not deserve him. That means that I am going to have to start looking for some kind of stable relationship. I have never been very good at those, but it is time for me to grow up.

But perhaps that would be unwise for now. A month or so ago, I applied for a job. Only this job was nowhere in Italy. I applied for a job in the United States. My English is good enough (my spoken is worse than my written), and I have already started putting together everything I would need to apply for a work visa. Anyway, a couple of days ago, I was informed that they want to interview me. That will mean a trip to the United States within a month or two. If I get the job, and I hope I do, then I will be moving there. It would be silly to get into a relationship at this point if I am going to have to either end it or force someone else to uproot themselves from Italy.

I think that a move to the United States would be a good change. It would be away from the stifling Catholicism of my country and maybe I could even get a boyfriend that I could live with in peace.

But that is not a certainty yet. I have not even been offered the job. If I am, it will be around the end of August or the beginning of September that I would find out and have to move.

It is time to move on and take control of my life. I do not want to be a sobbing mess for the rest of my life.

I am still young.

It is time to move on.

12 Comments:

At 10:21 PM, Blogger Jay said...

You've got it together, man. Awesome.
All the best.

 
At 12:21 AM, Blogger RIC said...

Sarà questo oggi il stesso Alessandro?!... Ma che cazzo (sorry!) è sucesso?! Meraviglia! Bello avvere una amica così pronta a tutto, anche a perdere la notte per il suo amico! Vedi? Cosa te avvevamo detto? Sei ancora troppo giovannoto per fare una vita senza gioia, senza belleza, senza sole.
I'm very glad you've pulled yourself together! Going to the States may a fine way out to the crisis. You'll have more responsabilities, so you won't be able to roam the city night after night in serch of... troubles.
Keep that spirit, man, and move ahead. That's it: walk until you crumble. Then you'll feel alive again!
All the best for you, Alessandro!

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger john said...

I wish you the best.
Please keep us posted.

 
At 1:12 AM, Blogger Jay said...

Where in the US?

 
At 6:02 AM, Blogger Gray said...

Bravo! The girl you called upon, so early in the morning, is a saint-in-waiting!! Please follow through with what you just wrote! Sitting and listening to sad music while drinking and taking drugs is a disaster waiting to happen!!

Look for a stable relationship. It doesn't have to be "love"!! Just seek new friends, gay friends, whom you can talk with! There are gay guides for Italy on the internet and you should be able to at least find a group that you can share your feelings with! Try it. Start with www.arcigay.it and take it from there. "Seek and ye shall find."

Most of all, if necessary, check the internet or your local gay community for a possible referral to a psychiatrist or other professional -- ESPECIALLY if those thoughts of suicide keep returning!

God bless you, Alessandro. Just hang tough! You'll get through this!

 
At 7:47 AM, Blogger alessandro said...

If I get the job, I will be moving to Philadelphia in Pennsylvania, I believe.

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger The Brian said...

Philly is a great city and you'll be close enough to visit me in DC, ; ) Wow, that all sounds terrific allessandro. I'm so excited for you. Great job man! These are very healthy changes.

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger Minge said...

I'm so glad you're feeling more positive and have made some decisions about your life.

Good luck with the job!

 
At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds awesome. What kind of job did you appy for? It sounds really interesting...

Btw, great resolutions! Keep up this new mood!

 
At 12:31 AM, Blogger Gumby said...

I am happy to see you making plans to turn things around.

I find it very ironic... you live in Italy and want to move to the US. I live in the US and want to move to Italy.

 
At 3:04 PM, Anonymous scottk said...

You can follow these goals I know it is very difficult when you are faced with emotional issues but chin up. It seems like this is the turning point for you ..congratulations and glad to hear it !

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger ..:: YNAGER ' 65 ::.. said...

Glad to hear you may have some exciting challenges ahead of you to keep you occupied! Keep us posted on what comes your way, glad to hear the good news!!!

 

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