Monday, July 10, 2006

Faithfulness Part I

(Hurrah for 3 a.m. posts! The only reason for them being that for the time, and not of my choice, I am living with my father...away from my job and decidedly away from my boyfriend)

I have been thinking about this for some time. I had girlfriends when I was in University, but I was never very attached to any of them. Instead, I dated them because that was what I was supposed to do. At the time, I was also living very close to my father, and I did not want to anger him without just cause (he has never been very nice when angry). After I graduated and left home and moved across the country, things changed.

I work quite a lot, and so my week-day evenings were mostly just me coming home, making something to eat and then going to bed before waking up and starting all over again. The only differences were on weekends, and on Friday nights and sometimes Saturday nights, I would go out, get drunk, and find a woman. I would then take her back to my apartment, fuck her, kick her out the next morning and start all over again. I had a group of friends all of them who would do exactly the same thing.

It was interesting, because about two weeks before what I want to call "the incident" I had a conversation with someone and homosexuality came up. I said for certain that I was not and never would be gay.

It all started to happen during the World Cup. My friend, let us call him G, who really does not watch football at all, invited himself to my apartment one Friday afternoon to watch. I usually get high with G, and this was one such Friday evening.

I had a really bad trip and so I do not recall most of the match, and all I do remember is G helping me to bed, tucking me in, asking me if I was okay. And then everything became unclear except for one thing - I was sure that he kissed me. I stayed in bed all weekend recovering but all that was really on my mind was whether or not I had made up the kiss in my mind, and if not, whether it had been because we were both high, or if he really wanted to kiss me. And if I wanted him to kiss me at all.


At 11:49 AM, Blogger john said...

Sometimes in those moments, the mind can play tricks on you. They may seem real/unreal and you aren't sure whether it was part of a dream or not.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

It was very unreal to me and very scary because the thought of another man kissing me had never even entered my mind before. I worried myself nearly sick over what exactly had happened.

At 11:35 PM, Blogger Gray said...

Just out of curiosity, may I ask what drugs you were or are using? Or do you want to keep that private for awhile?

Oh, in my life (not under the influence of any drugs except alcohol), I've found that *usually* the "dream" was true -- many times: much to my embarrassment

At 8:56 AM, Blogger alessandro said...

Gray, I use cocaine about once or twice a week...or did, before I moved home with my father and have to be a lot more careful about what I do. Mostly it is just cocaine, my experience with other drugs have been not so good.


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