Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Faithfulness - Part II

After that weekend, it was a few more days before I called G and asked him to come around to my apartment. I wanted to be completely recovered and to be in complete control of myself because I had still not decided exactly what I wanted. With a good friend of mine who has been a complete angel no matter how badly I treat her (unintentionally), I did a lot of talking and I finally decided about twenty minutes before he arrived that I wanted to know simply the truth: I wanted to know if he really did kiss me, I wanted to know if it had been because we were high or because he wanted to...and if that was the case, then I wanted him to kiss me again now that I was far more conscious than I had been the first time.

He was quite blunt. He admitted that he was gay and that he was attracted to me. And he was more than happy to comply with my second request. There was a football match going on at the time, and I remember that he did a good deal in the way of distracting me from watching it. But he was very patient with me and I could not have asked for a better man for those first few days.

He was far better than I deserved because the day after that, I decided that it all had to stop. I had too much to lose if I was found out and so to me it seemed as though I was better off completely ignoring whatever desire I had to explore that part of me.

The following weekend, I returned home for my sister's birthday, about four hours by car from where I live. He called me the night that I got there and told me that either I agreed to see him as soon as I came back home or that he would drive down there in the middle of the night and come to see me here. I refused either, telling him again that I wanted all of it to end.

At three in the morning, he knocked on my door. He had driven down just as he had promised to and I spent an enjoyable night with him before (again) telling him the next morning that it all had to end.

I succeeded in ignoring him for about a week the second time. It was then that I decided on a plan to rid myself of whatever desires I had. I went out, found a gay bar, had too much to drink, and found a random guy to fuck me. The idea behind it was to make sex with a man as meaningless as I had always treated sex with women. I did not want to feel anything more than lust for anyone, and I thought that that might work. All I have to say about that experience - my first experience with anal sex, was that it hurt very badly and made me firmly want to never try it again.

I thought that it had worked, and that I had managed to get rid of whatever desire I might have had for G, getting rid of it with uncaring lust with a man whose name I had forgotten by the time I staggered back to my apartment.


At 4:23 PM, Blogger john said...

I have never had sex with a guy, so I don't know what it feels like. However, your description of "pain" and never wanting to do it again scares me a little.
I hope that you and your friend work things out. It sounds like you have a chance of a lifetime, to fall in love with someone you know.
I'm like you. I don't know if I'll ever come out to my family. I don't want to hurt them and I don't want to live with the thoughts that they are disappointed or shunning me.

At 6:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You do have a strong hand when handling things. I don't think I would have been able to go through something like that.

Look forward to read the rest...

At 7:24 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

Fortunately, G has since rendered the pain of my first experience nearly meaningless. It did hurt, a lot, but it does not have to, and that is what G showed me. I hope that despite all of my pushing him away that he and I can last through this.

I am nearly certain that I will never come out to them. It would take my entire culture and religion to change for it to be possible and I doubt that will happen within my life-time.

At 9:30 PM, Blogger dan said...

wow, just reading your posts. amazing, keep it up. later.


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