Thursday, July 13, 2006

Faithfulness - Part III

After having sex with whoever it was, the next day I had to take off from work because I was too sore from the sex. It gave me a lot of time to think about it, and about life in general. I wanted to believe that sex with him was utterly meaningless and that would make sex with any man just about lust and desire. I am perfectly comfortable with having sex with a stranger. I can quite easily say that aside from G, I have never once been in love in my life. I did not really believe that love was something I wanted to feel. Lust was safer and had kept me reasonably satisfied for most of my life.

But even considering how sore I was, I still wanted G. More specifically, I wanted to know that it did not always have to hurt. I had pushed him away so many times though, and changed my mind back and forth so often that I did not want to call him and tell him I wanted to see him. Instead, I went to watch another of the World Cup matches at another friends apartment. The walk home afterwards took me directly past the street where G lives. And before I realized it I had called him.

I know that if someone treated me the way I treated him, I would want nothing to do with them. Instead, he told me to come over so that we could talk about what I wanted. Not what WE wanted, because I think he had made up his mind to have me and had decided that ages ago, but what I wanted. He is the one that while not out to anyone is comfortable with being gay. When I went there, he told me that I had two choices that he could see. I could either end this properly and drop all of this, or I could accept who and what I was. But he said that if I chose the second, then it was going to be final and that he would not let me push him away again. If I chose the second, then I would be in a relationship (something I have been avoiding) with him.

I told him that the previous night I had had sex with a man that I did not know. I asked him if he still wanted me, with that knowledge.

He said of course he did, and he told me that he would have liked to be the one to have my virginity and asked me if I enjoyed it.

I asked him if it always hurt.

There was more conversation but I really do not recall most of it. It was past midnight when we finally went to bed, and despite how sore I still was, I let him fuck me. It did hurt, because I was already sore but he was gentle and I did enjoy it.

And when I was lying there in his bed, in his arms, I felt happy. I felt safe, and protected, and loved. I spent most of the rest of the night there, leaving only when I had to get up for work the next morning.

But I knew that we had to be careful about how often we spent the night with each other. We both have neighbors. So we agreed that I could spend one night with him a week, and him one night with me, and that we would spend the evenings together for most of the rest of the week.

The next Friday, he called me at work and told me to come directly to his apartment as soon as I left work. He said that he had a surprise for me.


At 11:37 AM, Blogger john said...

Must be nice to be in love. And to be in love with someone you knew as a friend.

At 12:10 PM, Blogger Blog Off said...

I hope everything works out for you

At 3:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto John. And it must be nice to come out not just becuase you're gay, but because you're in love.

At 8:28 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

It is incredible to be in love and I can only hope and pray that it lasts. This feels too good for it to end so soon.

At 12:18 AM, Blogger Jay said...

A milestone--you're in love. I'm happy for you.


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