Monday, July 24, 2006

Going Out

I came back home about two hours ago, just after the rest of the family went to bed. I feel like a teenager, sneaking out of the house, sneaking around behind their back. I always thought I was a little less juvenile than that. Though, of course, I have enough people telling me from day to day that I act like a child, that I am as spoiled as one, and that it is time for me to grow up and be a man.

Anyway, tonight I went out without the intention of getting laid. I wanted to go out to a gay club, have a good time, and leave without getting fucked. I thought that it might show some sign of maturity. I wanted some music, some drinks, looking at some cute guys.

I will have to wait to see when I return to Rimini if there is any kind of gay "scene", but here there are a number of bars and clubs, I just have to be careful and discreet about it.

Going into the club this evening, I thought about how I had lied to my father. I told him I was going out to eat with some friends. Part of me wanted to tell my father exactly what I was going out to do. But I could imagine the look on his face, and it nearly made me sick. I am sure he knew I was lying, and no doubt tomorrow I will get a lecture on how a good Catholic man should not go out and pick up whores.

Everything seems to radiate around the lie I have to keep. It HURTS.

That is one reason I want to move to the United States. They might not be the most tolerant nation in the world, but at least I can come out a little without fear of utter shaming by the people around me. And if I move to the United States, I am away from my father, I am away from my family, I can live the life that I want to live.

Back to going out. I had fun, sitting there and drinking. A couple of men bought me drinks, and one of them was quite attractive. I would have been more than willing to go home with him, if I was in the mood to get fucked tonight.

I left before I really intended to, because something about it depressed me. All of the men were around my age, a little older or a little younger, and all of them looked like they knew exactly what they were doing. I know that they did not, and that it is all in my head, but I could not help but think that all of them were perfectly comfortable as the gay men they were and that I stood out, like I had a sign on me proclaiming that I was still so deep in the closet.

Maybe this will be easier once I am back in Rimini.

I went out in a good mood, as I intended to have fun. When I came back in and turned my laptop on, that good mood had evaporated.

I want to be me. The me that I can be on this blog. Not the Alessandro that my family expects of me.

All of it just frustrates me.

And now I am going to go to bed before I talk myself into getting high with the cocaine that I scored tonight.

9 Comments:

At 10:14 PM, Blogger Jay said...

Everytime I read your blog, I feel as if I am reading something that I could have written myself.
I always feel a little bit like an outsider at gay clubs. And I always leave depressed. I know I'm gay, but I am still an outsider there. Part of it is because I am in the closet, and that, really, I am not happily gay.
And yet, I don't want to play that whole straight thing any more.

I think moving to the US will be great for you. At the very least, you will be able to make a fresh start, away from your family.

 
At 11:11 PM, Blogger ..:: YNAGER ' 65 ::.. said...

You will find compassion in the US, and there are parts that are unbelieveably in accepting gays, as there are parts that want nothing to do with us. Philadelphia is more accepting I believe, but if they are not...there are a ton of places that are. That is a part of the beauty of the US. But, I wonder if there aren't parts of your own country that are just as accepting??? I of course have no idea, it is just a question.

By the way, I hope you did not use your "score" tonite...Did U????

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger Minge said...

I hope you can get to America and be you, then come back to Italy sometimes and still be you.

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger alessandro said...

I think that the larger cities, the more cosmopolitan places, would be more welcoming. Certain families in Napoli probably, just not mine. If I lived in Roma, or in some of the places in more Northern Italy, probably yes. They are less...traditional, less provincial. But where I live, in Rimini, no. And that is where my job is so I can hardly move right now.

I do hope that in the United States that things will be at least a little bit different.

And no, I did not get high. It is sitting in my drawer, waiting for the best opportunity to be used.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger The Brian said...

Just getting away from your family will probably produce a world of difference. Being on the other side of an ocean would probably reduce your stress and allow you to explore things guilt-free I'm betting.

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger Brad said...

I've always had a healthy fear of cocaine. I'm afraid that I would like it way too much.

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger Earl said...

I'm hoping you didn't touch the coke...cuz if you did, there's no way you'd be going to sleep.

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

I have used cocaine for about 4 years and I would not class myself as an addict. I can go for long stretches without it without any negative effects, I use it maybe three times a month, depending on my stress level. As anything, it is fine as long as used in moderation.

I do enjoy it very much, but I am rational enough when not high to know the consequences of becoming an addict and avoid it like the plague

 
At 4:25 AM, Blogger Gray said...

I tried to post yesterday but Blogger kept giving me error messages; so.. here it is now:

I once went cross-country from California to New York City with the hope of being able to be the real me. It worked: I got laid twice with "hook-ups" and stayed in the closet. I think I'll make that my next post.

Coke and alcohol are similar. We all start out in complete control - knowing all of the dangers. But, as time wears on and as we become used to our drug of choice our usage goes up. One day we just wake up being hooked. Stopping is much harder the longer we do the stuff. Alcoholics/druggies get hooked before we know it.

Signed, the voice of experience.

 

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