Saturday, July 15, 2006

I am an Idiot

My thoughts are all over and it is late/early so this may not make much sense altogether.

We were lying in bed and talking. I think that he has fallen in love with me more than I have fallen in love with him. Not that I do not love him because I do, but he has been gay and accepting of it for years and has had several relationships with degrees of success. He told me that he loved me and that he wished that we did not have to live so secretly in this kind of lie. He said that if we could he would want to live with me, be with me completely.

I could not look him in the eye.

He asked me what was wrong. I said that there was nothing wrong, but he knows me. He has known me for 3 years or more and he knows my sexual habits - in that I have been very promiscous with women. He then asked me whether I had slept with any man in Napoli in the past couple of weeks.

I said yes, because I have.

He asked me how many. 1, 5, 10, more?

I replied that I did not know. And to be honest I do not.

He was upset and angry. I expected him to be. He told me to go home, where I am right now. He told me that he thought I must think he is a fool, for him to tell me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and only me when I did not feel the same about him and would sleep with any man I met.

I am not expecting sympathy when I post this because I know I am wrong and he is right and that I am the one who has made the mistakes. What he said is not true, I do love him I love him very much.

I am sitting alone at home now and I will be going back to Napoli early because there is no point staying here if I am not going to be spending the time with him. And I will be in Napoli until the end of July so there is no way for me to make up with him before then because he will never believe me if I say I am being faithful.

I think I may have lost the man who means most to me.


At 12:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought you weren't even allowed to go out and have fun in Napoli, because of your dad. Did you really sleep with many other men, so many that you don't even remember, in just 4 days?

I understand how you can't help having sex with random people. You did it with women cause you never cared about one enough, and now you're transferring the habit from women to men. For me it's the same but with the opposite effect: I haven't had sex for a year cause women didn't turn me on that much anymore and now even with men I'm not that greedy of sex.

At 12:26 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

I have actually been in Napoli since nearly the beginning of July. And I have sneaked out of my fathers house several times and as long as I am home before he wakes up, no one has to know in my family what I am doing. And I have never kept count of how many people I sleep with, my guess would be that it is between 5 and 10.

That matters very little though, as I am now back in Napoli and away from G and I suspect he will not want to see me again when I return.

At 9:46 PM, Blogger RIC said...

Ciao Alessandro,
The way I've been seeing things in life, advices always come whether at the most inconvenient moment or when you just can't use them anymore, no matter the reason.
I read your post some hours ago. Now, I think I can make some sense out of it. The problem may be that, deep inside, you may not yet be prepared for special commitments. Please, don't think of me as any kind of a cheap psychoanalyst, which I'm not.
When I was more or less your age, some guys whom I got involved with just kept on saying that, driving me mad. The truth, though, is that I wanted to go on leading my life the way I felt like it, no strings, no attachments. Those days, that felt just great. Later on, I began to regret it. Years after, I realised how big that mistake was. Yes, friends warned me. Yes, sometimes I acknowledged my mistakes. Yes, often I tried to turn back on that road...
Sex is incredibly sweet, tasty, fullfilling in some ways, relaxing, you name it. But when it turns into some kind of adiction, that's when you start losing all interest, bit by bit, step by step.
One day you're with someone in bed and all of the sudden you realise you've done that very same thing a zillion times. And you get so bored that you can easily spend weeks, months, even years (it happened to me) without giving a f... about it. This is definitely not healthy at all!
I guess you shouldn't have said what you said to G in such a bluntly way. Anyone would and will take such a revelation as a «Vate ne! Non ti voglio più!» You could have prepared him, if you wanted to say the truth. But not like that.
Try to get in touch with him again, excuse yourself, try to set a different course for your life.
If you can easily have both sex and love at the very same time, why refuse it?! Together they're both so much tastier... You'd be surprised. Do it and you'll be building your happiness yourself. What else matters in life?
I leave you for now and hope to read a new text in a whole new mood.
Carpe diem & be happy!

At 10:55 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

Thank you Ricardo for those insights. What you say is very true, I think.

I have never before been in love and so sex to me does not equal the same thing as love. I know that I love G and I hate to hurt him in any form. Sex is just a pleasant way to have fun, similar and different to using cocaine for me. Both are ways to relax and ways to get some pleasure out of life.

I want to call G and apologise and beg forgiveness but I know that so long as I remain here in Napoli he will not trust me. I know I would not trust me. There is little chance of gaining back this relationship until I return home to Rimini.

At 12:48 AM, Blogger RIC said...

So now you have a plan, an intention: fight for it! Do everything you can to go back to Rimini.
You know, Alessandro, coming from sex, cocaine or anything else, pleasure fades away. If by the time that happens you don´t have anything else to hold on to, you'll feel lost, alone, empty.
So please, move that ass and fight for something worth while!
Per l'amore di Dio! Tu sei un bravo italiano, no? Dai, avanti! La vita sarà sempre così: se non lotti, non riuscirai mai a fare della tua vita quello che voi! Dai caro, non piangere addesso.
Sorry. Hope to find you in a whole better mood, okay?

At 9:12 PM, Anonymous dan said...

you've snuck out and met guys or girls? just wondering I had no idea

At 10:28 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

Yes, I used to leave the house at about midnight after my father had gone to bed, go across the city and find a man to fuck me. As long as I was back home and in my bed by 7 in the morning, I was fine.

At 3:31 AM, Blogger Gray said...

I must agree with Ric! A man can go from man to man and enjoy every damned minute of it! But, one day you wake up alone and the only thing you desire is the lover that you just could not find time for.


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