Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Papa

I am by far the youngest child in my family (my brother who is next youngest is 8 years older than I am) and that has always made me both spoiled and abandoned. My mother died in childbirth and my father mourned her death for a very many years to my neglect and I grew up believing that he blamed me for my mothers death. It was my oldest brother who was my true father to me. I do not blame my father but I cannot entirely forgive him. It makes me wonder because my brothers and my sisters got a proper childhood with two parents and I recieved a childhood with barely one, if maybe that has been why I am so un-alike to the rest of my family.

I am not out to my family except to my oldest brother. He is a Priest and he has always been able to make me talk about anything I do not wish to say. He disapproved of my reckless sexual behavior and has tried to talk me into anything else for a long time. When I confessed to him that I thought I was gay, he told me that he could not, as a Priest, condone my behaviour. But as my brother, he wanted nothing but me to be happy. And if that made me happy, then he was happy as well. I love my oldest brother and I am glad he is here for me in any capacity.

My father has been pushing for my marriage since I graduated from University. I have managed to avoid dealing with that issue by moving across the country but now due to my own stupidity I am living at home again and have to deal with it every day. I was reckless enough to overdose on methamphetamines and so my father dragged me home so that he could try to mold me into his image one more time.

I do not hate my father, he wants me to live up to what he believes are the right expectations and the right kind of life: to get married, have a family, be a good Catholic. So far, I suppose I am none of those and aside from being a good Catholic, I do not intend to be. But I wish that I could talk to my father and that he would actually hear me. On the advice of a very good friend I sat him down last night and talked to him about all of my frustration about trying to be what he wanted. After I had told him, he said that I was acting like a whining child and that it was time for me to grow up.

I am frustrated because it seems as though he and I are talking at each other rather than to. I will never in the forseeable future tell him that I am gay. I know that it would mean shame on him inside and that he would make sure I was shamed from the family. Right now, my family is all I really have. I have very few close friends and I rely on my family to be there. To lose that would kill me.

So I do not expect for my father to understand or even know that I am gay. Or, might be gay. I have not decided yet exactly what I am. I would like for my father to understand that I do not wish to be everything he wants.

Or, as my good friend said, if one child out of six is a failure, then that is not a bad success rate.

5 Comments:

At 11:52 PM, Blogger Gray said...

Wow! What a powerful, brave and honest post!! I related to your comment when you said, "But I wish that I could talk to my father and that he would actually hear me." It took *years* for that to actually happen to me. In fact, I don't believe it would have happened if I hadn't been in combat in the military. [No! I'm *not* suggesting that you enlist!!!]

Finally, a comment about your friend saying that 5 out of 6 isn't a bad success rate. What kind of friend is he to call you a failure? One of the first positve steps you can take during this transition period that you are living in is to realize that you are *not* a failure and that the whole situation is *NOT* your fault!

 
At 1:04 AM, Blogger Rey a.k.a. "Mr. Secret" said...

I understand your pain, Alessandro... My parents still don't believe I am gay even though I have told them a few times. They choose not to believe it and hope, just hope, that I will bring home a woman for them to meet.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger alessandro said...

Talking to my father is like talking to a wall unless I am talking about something that he wants to hear.

The comment about the failure rate was made as a joke to stop me from going and killing my father after he tried to force me into marriage.

The thought of telling my father that I am gay scares me because as much as he annoys and frustrates and angers me he is still my father and I do not want to lose that bond.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger Earl said...

I couldn't imagine living in such a staunchly catholic and traditional environment.

It only adds to the difficulty in 'coming out'.

Stay strong...you'll figure it all out.

 
At 4:19 PM, Blogger john said...

You are far from being a failure. I think your parents have six successful children.

 

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