Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Telephones

I phoned Giuseppe as I had promised myself that I would. Fortunatelly, I have my cell phone with me now. Before, whenever I wanted to phone him, I would have to make the phone call from a different phone every time so that my father could not draw a pattern from it. I did not expect him to answer, he had a million reasons not to.

He answered anyway.

It quickly became a screaming match, though most of the name-calling was on his side. It hurt, but it was all technically true. I have never liked shouting, it upsets me, and he knows that. Especailly because he and I have never shouted at each other before.

It left me nearly in tears. More than anything I am now sure that he will never accept me back into his life. I wish that I could properly accept that but I still want him. I would still do anything for him, if he would let me.

I can hear his angry words in my head even now still.

A week ago I would have wanted nothing more than to return home to Rimini to be with him. Now I dread the day that I return home. He had not completely invaded my life, but there will be reminders of him in my apartment and no matter how bitter our fight, we will still have to meet socially with our other friends and give no sign that anything at all is wrong. I think that will be the hardest thing to do, to pretend that he is still my friend and that I have never felt anything for him except friendship.

I came into this relationship by luck and accident. I do not think finding another boyfriend will be as easy.

And to be honest, I do not want to find another boyfriend. I want him to forgive me, I want me to go back to Rimini and to his kisses and to his bed.

I have never had tremendous evidence of God ever answering my prayers, but if He could do one thing for me in my life, it would be to at least take the edge off this pain. If not, I shall be forced to resort to narcotic means.

4 Comments:

At 10:28 AM, Blogger Minge said...

Oh, darling, I hope things work out for you, I really do.

You obviously are madly in love with Giuseppe, and he surely, must be madly in love with you, or he wouldn't be feeling the way he is. Take that as some consolation.

But if he doesn't want you, he's not worth breaking your heart over. It seems though, that your heart is already broken. Broken hearts can be fixed, they really can. I know it's a cliché, but all you need is time.

You might never be able to get over what happened, but you will get used to it and you will be able to move on. Nothing ever stays the same. Look forward to life. I know that this might be hard to do right now, but there's a lot of happiness in store for you. I am sure of it.

I know you're shaking inside and feel as though everything is coming apart, but everything can be mended. If you want to mend it, of course.

You may be feeling a myriad of emotions, sadness, rejection, anger and depression, but never give up hope. These feeling will pass, I can assure you. It will get better.

You're going to have to make a few dcisions and find which is easier for you: to keep trying to patch things up, to remove yourself from the situation completely or get used to what is essentially out of your hands. I hope, whichever you choose, it won't be too tough for you.

You will make it, you will find happiness again.

Lots of love to you...

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger Jay said...

My heart really hurts for you. I wish that I could somehow make you feel better, but I know that this is something that you are going to have to get through on your own.
Accept the pain. There's no need for drugs, because when the drugs wear off, the pain is still there.
You fell into this relationship. You will fall into another.
I wish you the best of everything.

 
At 12:10 PM, Blogger Jay said...

One last thing:
You might not ever get G back in your life. You know that. You also know that you messed up a bit here.
You need to heal, and to learn from this.
If you never hear from G again, this is going to be sort of like a wound that doesn't heal.
Be a man. Be a gentleman. Step back from the situation a bit, and give it time. But, before you do that, why not just send him a note, saying: "I'm sorry. I messed up, and I hope that you can forgive me."
If you hear back from him, OK> If not, you know that you tried to make things right.
And just remember, you are not God. You're just a man, trying to get through this life. You will make mistakes. Don't expect too much.

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

I am still not sure what I intend to do. But I know that whatever I do, I have the support of everyone here on the internet and that is immensely comforting

 

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