Monday, July 17, 2006

Thoughts

Last night, completely sober, I sat in my fathers kitchen with my fathers gun in my hand. I have never used a gun before, never wanted to, but guessed that it could not possibly be that difficult to use it if I wanted to kill myself. Let me start by saying that I have never considered myself depressed, and especially not suicidal. That part of my Catholicism is strong, I do believe that suicide is a mortal sin. Yet I sat in a dark kitchen with a gun contemplating using it. All kinds of things were running through my head but I did not move. I must have sat perfectly still for at least an hour, trying to kill myself while at the same time trying not to kill myself. Fortunately it was the second impulse that won in the end and I put the gun away and went to bed.

I could not sleep, though. I sat in the bed that I have slept in since I was a child and wished that I could reverse the past 2 months. I went on my knees and prayed to God to take it all away and to make me the person my father and my society wants of me. I cried and begged and pleaded Him to wipe out my memories of the past 2 months. I prayed until the sun rose in the hope that something that I said would make a difference. I went to Church this morning as soon as I could and prayed there and Confessed as well.

It has not helped.

I have forbidden myself sex, alcohol, or drugs until I can make up my mind exactly what I want and how to do it. I know I am on an edge and I do not want any substance to make my decision for me.

Like a coward, I could not call Giuseppe today. Instead, I sent him an e-mail, sparing myself his immediate reaction. Of course he can and probably will just delete it un-read.

Ricardo in one of his comments on my last post said that I should find some way to return to Rimini as soon as possible, but I see two problems with it: there is no good reason I can convince my father I need to return there soon, and Giuseppe will not forgive me so soon.

It is as though I am just making it through each day as one, struggling to make it to the close of the day only to have it repeated exactly the same the next day. I think it would be easier if I could find something to hate Giuseppe for. But I still love him as much as I did on Friday when I went to him.

I want to be straight.
I want it so badly.
I want to want to have a girlfriend, and be able to bring her home to my father

I want to be normal.

18 Comments:

At 6:23 PM, Blogger john said...

I have prayed for the same thing for so long.
And I think this is why I still remain in the closet.
God loves us and He helps us when we ask. He will never leave any of our sides. Know that, that our Lord LOVES us.

 
At 9:18 PM, Anonymous dan said...

I'm glad you have made some decisions to stop everything and get it figured out. although I've never figured myslef out, my parents and fmaily would never accept it because of religious issues, and I haven't yet fallen deep in love with a man or woman.
It does seem difficult because you still have feelings for G. regardless of sexual (i think from what you wrote) I hope he can at least understand you need time to consider many things, and it may not be as quick or easy for you to decide as it was for him. You may want to try many things, consider many option. and you are still so young, regardless of the next few steps you are taking this month of July, this summer, this year, there will still be some really bad AND some really good times ahead of you, and each one worth it as you go through the process of growing up and finding yourself, regardless of who you are sleeping with. hang in there bud.

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Derek said...

I understand your feelings. Sometimes we can feel so alone, sending you strength a big hairy hug!

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

Thank you for all of your support, it is very much appreciated even though the problems I am facing are caused directly by my own lust and stupidity.

I have promised myself that I will call Giuseppe today and try to talk to him. If he answers the phone.

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger Adam said...

There's a whole community here that will accept you for who you are and how you are naturally meant to be. I used to feel the same way being raised in an italian family and catholic, certain things are expected of you. But there comes a time when you have to live for your own happiness and not the happiness of others around you.

Keep your chin up paisan.

 
At 3:50 AM, Blogger Gray said...

I think we all are so very, very happy that you put the gun away. You said that suicide is a mortal sin. It also does not solve anything.

Would it surprize you to find out that God heard each and every one of your prayers? Would it surprize you if God answered you by saying to you, "Your request is denied. I made you the way that I want you to be. I know that you can handle the burden or I would not have placed it on your shoulders."

No matter how we became gay, we are gay. It is up to us whether we want to be miserable in our lives or whether we want to take the life that God has given us and make the very best of it!

I still have not came out to my family. But at least, as hurtful as it can be at times, I trying to. In the meantime, I'll handle the burden God has given me and, by God, I'm going to make the very best I can out of it! I hope you do the same.

 
At 5:40 AM, Blogger RIC said...

Sorry for not having given a sign sooner. I just couldn't.
I've always thought - and nowadays even stronglier - that keeping guns at home is - yes, the exact word is - sinful! I'm very glad though, you got over the crisis.
Reading through the comments above, I realised that something quite important has been happening to me since mid May. Being Portuguese mentality the way it is and has long been - conservative and stupid in many ways -, I've always been the way I am and have never felt otherwise. And have very seldom spoken about it. I can not deny this has caused me many troubles all through the years - I'm no young man anymore -, but on the other hand I've never wanted either to change or - even worse! - to be changed. I'm just neither better nor worse than any other average guy. And then? The only thing I hadn't been able to do - up till now! - was speaking my mind loud and clear, I mean, everything that has to do with my sexuality was - not anymore! - implicit, according to an hipocritic rule that says «you don't speak about it, it just doesn't exist». Well, for me it's over. Being aknowledged for what I'm worth or not is no longer a need so powerful that I have to put my head in the sand.
Yesterday I met a good straight friend of mine, and right there when I was talking to him I said to myself «F... this sh... I've had enough!» And from the implicit I went straight over to the explicit. He was happy for me and said he had never mentioned that matter because he was afraid he might hurt me by raising the subject. The talk went on. The night before we had both watched once again «Dances with Wolves» on TV. This time I couldn't and wouldn't help saying Kevin Costner looked absolutely gorgeous those days. He looked at me, his eyes wide open, laughed and said: «Well, well, I never thought this day would ever come! What a nice surprise!»
I don't intend to go out to the streets and declare publicly what I like and deslike. But another era in my life has definitely begun. And I feel both happy and strong about it.
I'm leaving out of this «acting out» plan of mine only the elderly, for respect's sake, I think. The rest is dead and burried. I've had enough silence in my life.
And I'll finish by saying I owe it to the hundreds of texts I've been reading these last few weeks. They all gave me the stimuli I needed to rethink my way of living. So I guess I have to thank a whole lot of people all over the world who have helped me to make up my mind. (I wish this text were in my blog, but that doesn't really matter either...)
Alessandro, bear in mind you're NOT alone in this world. Many of us stand by your side! And, PLEASE, don't go making changes just to be nice towards others. That's a huge mistake. Society wouldn't ever thank you for that. Most on the contrary! I've travelled, I've read, I've thought it through, I do know Southern Europe, the Catholic Kingdom! So now I say I've had enough of all the bullsh... they - the enlightened - want me to live by!
God and men are two most different things, and no man will ever again decide what I may or may not do with my life.
For those of you who read German, go through the main article in the latest number of «Der Spiegel». You'll see then what I mean.
Alessandro, be wise! I've always felt a strong bound with Italy for many reasons. Now I have another: YOU.
:-)

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger alessandro said...

thank you again for everyones support. I am so glad to have a community like this with who I can be open and not have to hide what or who I am

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger Minge said...

Alessandro... First off, I'm so glad you did the right thing with the gun. I really am.

You're not going to be able to erase the past two months by any means, and most certainly not by pulling the trigger of a gun on yourself. You just have to work through it. It may get worse, but it will get better. I guarantee it. I promise you this. I'd even bet everything I own on that. Come back to me in the future. If everything's not better than it is today, everything I have is yours.

I see that you have a strong belief in God. But believe this: he made you the way you are. He loves you and wants happiness for you. He doesn't want you to end it all in failure. You're not going to fail. Your life is a success and will continue that way.

Jesus Christ never said that it was wrong to love. Remember this.

I don't know how to advise you on how to be happy in your own skin, but wishing you were straight so that you might bring a girlfriend home to your Father is not the answer. If you're out to make your Father happy, you must know inside you that your Father loves you or you would not pursue this, and, like God, your Dad wants you to be happy too. He would not be happy if you took your own life and he would not be happy in the knowledge that you were living a lie and all the torturous emotions that come with that. Honesty is best in the long run. Be honest with yourself and it was all flow from there.

You are normal, Alessandro. It's normal for you to be gay. It would not be normal for you to be anything but yourself. If we were all the same, we'd all have the same hair and skin colour, we'd all dress the same, we'd all like the same music, we'd all go to the same place on holiday - there'd be nothing to talk about. But we're not all the same. We're all different. We're all different because we were made that way. It's the way we were meant to be.

God loves you. He made you in his own image. He doesn't want to see you like this - and neither, I'm sure, does your own Father.

You are a wonderful person, Alessandro. If you don't believe this now, you will come to, in time. Don't give up on yourself, don't give up on the world and don't give up on life.

Btw - I must tell you, the word verification thingy here wants me to type "funks." I just wanted to share that with you.

Stay strong, be happy. Everyone wants this for you, especially your Father and God. The only true way of finding happiness is to be yourself and to be happy with who and what you are. Go for it. There are a lot of people here and out there to support you in that.

Sending lots of love and hugs your way...!

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger The Brian said...

I agree with all above. It is possible to be gay and to be incredibly totally happy and to have your loved one with you and to celebrate that relationship.

I know what it's like to pray to be straight and to wish for a girlfriend. For the longest time I knew there was something wrong with me. It is hurtful and difficult to grow up in a religion and/or a society that tells you you are wrong and sinful. Know this though, you can create your own love and know this that God made you and he made you well.

There is so much possibility out there. Look to that.

Much love my friend, B

 
At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Different Point of View said...

Damn what recruiting, It's really obvious you people would rather him be gay, JUST because he's had one drug induced affair with another guy? so quick to claim him forever gay and never anything more, Is it so difficult to imagine a man might like having sex with either men or women? I am not sure why finding physical enjoyment with a man must force this guy to come join the ranks of the gay. There could be a person yet to steal his heart and that he falls in love with, that he will enjoy having sex with also regardless if its a woman or man, maybe?
Here in the USA anyhow, the majority of the gay world is not happily coupled for the rest of their lives, but instead lonely, searching for bf after bf, sleeping around, getting older, and forced to move to big cities to feel comfortable isolating themsleves into gay social communities.
Let him grow up and decide in his own timeline about sexuality,and how to love a man, woman, or his family.

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

I do not think I am being pushed or guided in any way by these comments

 
At 6:24 PM, Blogger RIC said...

... And an underground army or a secret world police (btw, are we somehow going back to Hitler's days?) is on the move, trying to control other people's lives and to decide whether they're ripe enough to enlist this or that rank. Good Lord, if I hadn't read it myself, I wouldn't ever believe it. That's what comes from far too much conspirative bullsh...
But what was really important was obviously missed by the other point of view, of course, because he just doesn't know what that is: comforting words for someone in distress. All he may know about is judging and condemning.
I couldn't care less if the guy eventually becomes king or queen! what I do care about is a human being who is suffering.
Preposterous!

 
At 10:44 PM, Blogger Moncrief Speaks said...

>>>Here in the USA anyhow, the majority of the gay world is not happily coupled for the rest of their lives, but instead lonely, searching for bf after bf, sleeping around, getting older, and forced to move to big cities to feel comfortable isolating themsleves into gay social communities.<<<

Utter bullshit.

On what information are you basing this assertion, anonymous?

 
At 12:48 AM, Blogger Gray said...

How dare "different point of view" say that any of us are trying to "recruit" anyone? Ignorant! Just plain ignorant!

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger Minge said...

I think there are trolls here... Gggrrr!

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger The Brian said...

No one is recruiting, merely offering support.

What I would prefer is that Alessandro be happy and if I can help in some small way than great. If my comments are unhelpful than he can tell me to bug off and I'll go. We are his guests here.

 
At 7:15 PM, Blogger Minge said...

What is this nonsense about recruiting?

Brian, who thinks you're unhelpful?

And gay people isolating themselves into gay social communities? Lonely? Sleeping around? What is this crap and where did you get this information from?

 

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