Friday, August 04, 2006

Commitment

I have written and rewritten this post a dozen times already and still I feel as though I am not getting everything out that I want to.

I had a girlfriend when I was in University. I had a few, actually, but I only had one that lasted more than three months. She was sweet and attractive and we had a lot in common. My father even did not disapprove of her too much, and from him, that was the best recommendation I had ever had. I met her just before my final year, and we were living together by the time I graduated. She was a year behind me. We were happy together.

She sat me down about a month after I graduated, and told me that she needed more of a commitment. She told me that she loved me and she wanted to spend her life with me. But she said that she was not willing to continue living with me unless we were to get married.

I broke up with her the following morning.

Several years of one-night stands with women progressed, and I never once considered sleeping with the same woman two nights in a row. It did not make me particularly happy, but it was what I did.

Then I met a man, Giuseppe, who, in full knowledge of my sexual past, wanted to give me a second chance at a relationship. I was scared, but I took it.

Within two or three weeks, I had cheated on him, multiple times.

Yet I hate being alone. I hate going to bed alone, I hate waking up alone. I know that my one-night stands will never be anything more than that, and that my continuing to find men to fuck me are dependent on my age. Thirty years from now, I will find it harder to do that. Forty, fifty years from now, what will I be? A dirty old man?

I am young now, but I will not always be. I am STD/HIV-free now, but while I nearly always have protected sex, there is always a chance.

I feel as though I need to find someone. But any relationship that I have had, as soon as it became serious and not just fun, I ended it.

I do not like commitment and I am not good at it.

Coming home to my empty apartment makes me more than ever aware of that.

6 Comments:

At 5:29 PM, Blogger john said...

You will find someone. You just haven't found that person yet.

 
At 3:23 AM, Blogger Gray said...

You are absolutely right about waiting!

You can wait until you're tired of the bar scene. Until you feel "safe" just sitting in your apartment watching gay videos. Until you stop watching the videos. Until your looks are gone. Until hell freezes over! Waiting will *not* get you what you want!

The "I can't commit" arguement isn't valid. Try saying, "I'm afraid of commitment." I think that's closer to the truth. You're commited to your father, brothers and sisters. Yet, you're fearful of their rejection of you as a gay man. That fear rolls over into fear of commitment to others.

I know - I've done the same thing. Being afraid of commitment is just another way of saying, "I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to be hurt."

Keep in mind, you do *not* have to have a "commitment" to date another person more than once. You just need to find some things in common; something that *makes* you want to see that person again.

Just take small steps, Alessandro! I have a feeling you could have almost anything (anyone) that you really want. You just have to let yourself *want* them.

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger RIC said...

You may not «like» commitment for a whole set of reasons, some of them mentioned by above by Gray. But you cannot say you are not good at it. How could you ever?
As I see it, it's mainly a matter of letting «things flow» and facing them when the right moment comes. And that, you won't ever be able of anticipating. That's just how life is. :-)

 
At 8:39 PM, Anonymous dan said...

"but while I nearly always have protected sex"... Sandro, change that from now on to ALWAYS, ok my friend !!!! have fun but play safe. and yes I hate coming home to an empty house .. but I know the right one is out there who I can love and fight and laugh and live with. just time I guess... good post. hope your'e having a relaxed peaceful weekend. later.

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger Gumby said...

My turn to be a nay-sayer. Some people just aren't good at committment. And that's ok, as long as everyone knows up front. In my mind, if all a person is capable of being is a short-term boyfriend and they are still satisifed with their life, there is nothing wrong with that. People are individuals with individual wants and needs. It is definitely possible that you are just beating yourself up because you haven't been involved yet with anyone whom you want to be committed to, and that day may still come. But if it doesn't, live your life as only you can live it and be happy!

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger Not so Single Guy said...

You are not alone mate. I am!

 

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