Monday, August 14, 2006


I think this might be my first post from work!

Anyway, the flights were long and tiring and I did not sleep more than an hour or two during them. I came home more or less on time, and though I was probably in no state, tiredness-wise, to drive, I drove home. Waiting outside of my apartment were a dozen roses. They were from him. I took them into my apartment, showered, and tried to forget about them. I checked the note on the flowers right before I left. He told me to phone him as soon as I got the flowers.

I phoned him in the car on the way to work. This is never a good idea in Italy (do you KNOW how fast we drive? lol) and even less of a good idea when I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. After I told him that I had to go to work today, he told me to come to see him as soon as I got him. I told him I was too tired and that all I wanted was to go home and sleep when I was done working. He said that was fine, as long as I did it in his apartment. I said that I would think about it.

I know exactly what he is trying to do. He knows that if I get and take the job in Philadelphia, that I will be leaving him forever. So he is trying to influence me into staying by professing his love for me.

It might even work, if I did not want the job so badly. It will hurt me to leave him, and it will make me feel even more alone than I already feel. But I will not stay in Italy for him. If I do not get the job, then I can think about whether or not I want to try a relationship with him again.

I am also thinking about whether or not to come out to my father if I leave. It may be a cowardly thing to do - to go down to see him and confess, and then run off to the United States...but I do not see any other option. I would rather he disown me when I am leaving, it will break all my ties with this country.

It is not that I hate this country, just that it is time for me to leave it.

And all of this still does not deal with the issue of whether or not I go to him tonight. I know that I will be too tired to do anything more than sleep, and why should I not sleep in his arms?


At 12:08 PM, Blogger john said...

Wow, you've got a lot of decisions to make lately and none of the decisions can be taken lightly. Good luck with all your endeavors and know that we all stand behind you 100 percent.

At 11:08 PM, Blogger J. said...

aw thats really sweet,
you should do what you think is best-
dont come out to your father because you are leaving the country, come out to him because you want to let him into your life and because you feel he should know. -just a thought
if you do come to the US, we should hang out sometime

At 11:09 PM, Blogger J. said...

oh and thanks for linking me! :-D

At 11:20 PM, Blogger Steve said...

I can understand wanting to feel the comfort of G ( or another person familiar ) after your long trip. I can only advise that you do what is in your heart or what feels right, if that makes any sense..

At 3:47 PM, Blogger The Brian said...

I think working abroad would be a great experience for you no matter what else you have going on.

Good luck with all of it! : )

At 7:10 PM, Blogger Minge said...

I don't envy your complicated life.

At 6:31 AM, Blogger Gray said...

Just a thought buzzing in my head: It's interesting that you're referring to him as "him" and not using his name. It sounds like you've distanced yourself from him.

I thought that was what you wanted until I read the last sentence: "I know that I will be too tired to do anything more than sleep, and why should I not sleep in his arms?"

"...why should I not sleep in his arms?" Because, you close the distance. You stand the chance of getting re-involved. It's up to you of course; but, that's what I see happening.

At 10:15 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

Sooner or later, I am sure I will get my life figured out.

I just doubt that it will be any time soon.


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