Monday, July 31, 2006

Sleepless Nights

I have been up drinking most of the night which is arguably not the best idea when I have to be at work in 2 hours (and have to drive in 1), but there has been a lot on my mind. Yes, I know that alcohol will not solve my problems and I do not expect it to. It is just good for a night when I am unspeakably aware of how lonely I feel.

I phoned Giuseppe when I got home from work and we agreed to meet for dinner (and saved me having to go shopping for another day). It was in a public place so I felt safe in that he would not do anything stupid. And he behaved, for the most part.

Then I told him about my potential new job. They want me to fly there next week, from Tuesday to Friday (I think I will stay until Sunday, though), and if I move there, it will be very soon. I told him all this. For a minute he looked angry and then he looked upset. He asked me what it would take from him in words or action to make me stay here in Rimini with him. He apologized for fighting with me, he did everything but beg me to stay. He knows that he cannot come with me, that if I take this job, then we will never have a chance to be together.

I want the job, though. It is better paying, it will get me out of this country, away from my family, away from this religion. In the United States I can at least attempt to be my own man and to live my life the way I want to live it. I explained that to him and he said that he understood, that he understood everything, but he did not want me to go. He told me that it had been horrible to be separated from me for a month while I was in Napoli, and it would be worse if we never see each other again.

In the end, I told him I would think about everything he had said, and that I would make a decision based on what I thought was best for me.

He invited me back to his apartment, he said to convince me why I should stay.

I am still wondering hours later if I should have gone. Just so I did not have to wake up alone. Just to feel safe and protected and loved for one night.

I said no. I returned to my apartment and drank until there was no more alcohol in the apartment. I am not even tired.

I have no idea what I want. And I have no idea how to get it.


At 12:19 AM, Blogger Jay said...

You don't have to make a decision right now. Go for the interview. You can always decide after they tell you whether or not they want you to start. And, you may decide, after the interview, that you don't want to start working there.

At 8:12 AM, Blogger Gray said...

Your very last sentence is a paradox with the rest of this post. You *do* know what you want and you *do* know how to get it! I think that you are just worried that you will find everthing in the states different that what you are hoping for. Or, that you are a little afraid that you might not find love in this country.

Like Jay said, wait until after the interview before making the final decision. Buona fortuna, amico.

At 10:23 AM, Anonymous graham said...

It seems from your post that you do want to go to the US, to escape the clutches of your family and religion and to be able to be who you are inside. I know it's a huge step and it's frightening, but you should go with what your heart is telling you to do.

Like others have said, go to the interview and see how you feel after that, it might make it all much clearer in your head.

Good luck.

At 3:34 PM, Anonymous dan said...

do what's best for you. good luck with all the things you're taking into consideration. I hope the US treats you well while here, and maybe just getting away in general will motivate you and inspire you what you really do want for the next step.
take care, good luck at work with no sleep. later.

At 5:24 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

I definitely know I will go to the interview.

It is if I get the job that I will have to make the hard decision.

At 6:11 PM, Blogger Steve said...

I feel for ya bro - I hope your interview is in a major city in the US though - your experience here would be better IMO.

good luck on the interview -!

At 6:15 PM, Blogger alessandro said...

yes, my new job would be in Philadelphia, if I get it.

At 6:39 PM, Blogger Steve said...

the city of brotherly love - that should work for you.. ;) hahahaha..


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