Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The Only Thing

I know that I should be enough of an adult to stop with the self-deprecating posts, so I promise that this one will be the very last of that. I just wanted to get these few last thoughts out before I grow up and start acting it.

It is just the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is that suicide is a mortal sin. And no matter how much of a sin I have commited because I prefer men (according to my father, this is as good as a mortal sin in and of itself), I will not kill myself. Not yet, anyway. I still have my principles and my Catholicism, no matter how much I have smeared it, is still strong in my heart.

I have no idea where I'm going from here. I have a chance for a new life in the United States and part of me wants to renounce every thing I have experienced in the past couple of months and go so far back into the closet that I forget there is an outside world.

Thank you to those who sent me e-mails regarding what happened this past weekend, but I assure all of you that I am fine. Or at least, I will be.

All I keep remembering is that I am moving away in 10 days. None of this needs to ever matter. I have a new chance at life, away from every one that knows me. Maybe "going straight" is the only option that I have now if I want any hope of normalcy in my life.


At 12:20 AM, Blogger RIC said...

I am really very, very sorry, Alessandro, but there is no possible way, whether on earth or in heaven, that could make me, through my mind or through my heart, understand this post of yours. To be honest, I'm disappointed...
God and Catholicism play the least role in this story. If you are not willing to accept that, you are refusing to live in order to be happy. This, in my opinion and knowledge, is a much bigger sin.
I believe you should go straight if that's what makes you happy, as I've always said. However, if it's just a matter of convenience...
I rest my case. My words wouldn't have any purpose whatsoever.
I repeat: I don't understand.

At 12:35 AM, Anonymous Carioca said...

In your place, I woudn't pretend to be a heterosexual to make other people happy. And I wouldn't let a religion to say what I can or can't do. My destiny is my decision. Not a religion's.
Well, but I don’t know so much about your life to give you a great advice. But be sure: killing yourself IS NOT the way to solve any problem. And fortunately you understood that.
If you say you can start a new life and you think it’ll be a better life, go ahead. But think about what you’ll do before doing it. I think this is the best advice a person can give to any other person.
Well, see you. And be happy!

At 5:09 AM, Blogger Gray said...

I *do* understand your words, Alessandro!

You have been dealt a cruel hand from your father. Without hearing the details, I can only assume (and I *hate* doing that) that your father has practically disowned you. This is not uncommon among us. Sometimes, as time goes by, parents will begin to ADJUST to our circumstances. Notice I used the word "adjust" and NOT "accept"! We must all take a moment to look at the situation from their eyes and minds. Parents were born, raised and reared in a different time.

Your dad is probably around my age. In my generation, QUEERS were looked down upon, despised and ostracized. Time. Education. Intelligent thinking. All have changed the thinking of those in open, educated societies.

Man's religion -- no matter what religion it is -- usually condemns homosexuality. Catholics excommunicate us. Moslems kill us. Protestants condemn us to hell. But, as you are a Catholic, *please* remember that the leader of your religion, the Pope himself, declared that homosexuals, of and by themselves, are not sinful!

As to your last sentence, "Maybe 'going straight' is the only option that I have now if I want any hope of normalcy in my life." RUBBISH!!

Those homosexuals whom I have known in life who have "gone straight" to live their lives have nothing but hatred, despise and self-loathing for themselves for not being open and honest about their lives.

They lie to their (forgive me) wives-of-convenience and, if lucky, their children. Still, they had their homosexual desires, their liaisons, their "other" lives. Would you really call yourself a man if you put a woman and your children through that?

Please do NOT fall into that trap. You ARE what you ARE! Please relax. Give yourself time to adjust to this horrible moment in your life.

If you are truly religious then look at this as a challenge that God has given you. Think of him as saying, "I made you the way I want you to be. Now what are you going to do with your life?"

Ok. Ok. Too long and too preachy.

Your blogger friends will stick by you in whatever you decide to do. I wish you luck. I wish you well. And I wish you inner-peace in whatever you decide to do.

At 8:46 AM, Anonymous dan said...

I sometimes wish I could do the same here, serious.
looking forward to hearing more about the move though. hang in there man! later.

At 9:42 PM, Blogger Gumby said...

I have experience in trying to go straight. Trust me, it doesn't work. But it sounds like a lesson you will have to learn on your own. I hope that the move does your heart and soul a world of good.

At 12:15 AM, Anonymous V.J. Civic said...

Its scary to think the road I am heading into, especially reading about your expereince and Jay's.

Its admirable that you wtill have faith and cary your religious beliefs close to your heart. Homosexuality is no more sinful than any other sins men commit. We are not all perfect.

But living a lie and denying yourself from expereincing the truth is not very moral either.

I really cant comment or give you suggestions that maybe useful, but know that I am not the only one hoping you get some joy out of life. For that reason, change will be a great thing for you when starting over in the USA.

At 3:55 PM, Blogger Topher said...

Try not to worry about writing self-deprecating posts like you said. This is your blog and you should feel free to write whatever you feel like writing. It can be hard sometimes but you gotta let it out, whatever's bothering you.

Everything you're going through right now sounds rough, but it's all gonna be alright. Moving to a different country is a bit hard, and would have to take a little adjustment but you'll manage I'm sure. It might just be what you need at this time, start all over and make a new beginning. I'm not really sure if "going straight" would be the way to go, but you'll want to surround yourself with people who would love you just the way you are and could care less and what goes on in your bedroom.

Good luck in everything.

At 12:32 AM, Blogger Moncrief Speaks said...

Check in with us and let us know if you're in Philly yet!

At 10:20 AM, Blogger J (Me) said...

If you are moving to the United States you don't have o get in the closet again. Over there people is way more open about it than Italy. I know about it because my whole family is italian.


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