I Wish I Knew

New Year

2007-01-07T19:49:00.000-05:00

Wow, been a long time since I posted.

So, what's new for me this year? I have moved to upstate New York, I have a job there. I moved there three days ago, and I am still settling in and getting used to this place. I decided to move away from Philadelphia because of all the shit that happened to me there, and I just wanted to have a fresh start.

I am still working hard on my drug...issues, but I think I can stay clean.

I hope this year is a good year for me, and for everyone else.

Hanging In There

2006-11-27T07:58:00.000-05:00

Not much new to say, things are pretty much the same as they were when I last wrote. But I am hanging in there and I am not ready to give up yet. I will make it through this, somehow, even though the challenges that I thought that I would face upon entering the United States ended up being completely different than the ones that I actually am dealing with.

Oh well. At least it is a learning experience.

50th post...how amusing

2006-11-14T13:37:00.000-05:00

well, this is post #50 of this blog...and how much has changed since I started this blog!

I would love to be able to say that I am doing excellently now and am recovering from my atrocious month and some.

But I am not. At least not yet.

I am making steps, but things are still not going very well for me. I am still in the United States and I have found another - albeit much lower-paying - job. I am working on the addiction.

I know that I will figure it out eventually and that God will help me to do that.

I am sorry if my posts are infrequent, but I no longer have the time to devote to the internet that I once did.

Thank you to everyone for your supportive comments on my last post.

I will do my best to keep everyone updated, as often as I can.

starting fresh

2006-10-28T16:43:00.000-04:00

well, when you hit rock bottom, there is no further that you can fall, right?

This month has been a...disaster, to put it lightly. I have watched as my life fell apart around me, and am, at present, unemployed, struggling to pay my bills, and trying to nip a fledgling addiction in the bud before it takes over my life.

But there is nowhere to go but up.

or at least I pray that that is the truth

Ugh...Mondays

2006-09-25T22:48:00.000-04:00

Getting up at 6.00 this morning was not my idea of a good time. I spent most of the weekend drinking (which in and of itself is not a terribly unusual thing for me), and I had something of a headache most of this morning. I have never liked Mondays particularly, but this one seemed to be worse than usual. I seriously considered phoning in sick so that I could just lie in bed and recover. But I have no desire to start bad habits like that, so I forced myself to get up and go to work.

Drinking all weekend meant one thing for certain: I got no further in finding an apartment, which is annoying. I wanted to move by the end of the month, but I doubt that I am going to manage that now. Hopefully by the end of October, I will have somewhere to live besides a hotel; that I will have a real apartment to live in.

When I went out on Saturday night, I found a nice young man who was more than willing to loan me the use of his bed for the night. He was probably about my age, but he was a graduate student rather than a working man. I had a good time with him and I have his number, but I have not yet decided whether to phone him, or if it is one of those situations in which a number is given but no phone call is expected. I will decide that within the next day or two, though.

I must say it did feel good to have sex after so long. But I am still not completely comfortable sleeping in another mans bed, there is something about it that just reminds me too much of Giuseppe. I am not sure what my feelings are towards him, I never was able to resolve them, and no doubt that will cause me problems later.

But for the first time, I have had sex in the United States!

Tired

2006-09-22T19:56:00.000-04:00

I have been here for about a week now, and I am so tired. I have finally overcome jet lag and so now I do not have to worry about nearly falling asleep at work or waking up in the middle of the night. So that is good.

But I am exhausted. I attribute it to the fact that I do not have an apartment. I have nowhere that is really "home". I have a hotel room; it is a nice hotel room, but it is only temporary. I cannot really let go and relax in it. So I wake up every morning tense and I never sleep very well. Hopefully I will do something about the apartment situation this weekend. I am getting tired of going out to eat; I want my kitchen back so that I can cook something. (And that is something I never thought I would say).

Tonight is Friday night though. I have survived my first week of work and life in the United States! I think that I deserve to let go and go out and have a couple of drinks tonight to celebrate. Maybe I will find a nice gay bar to spend the evening at. I do not intend to find someone to sleep with, but who knows? I may be tired, but I have also been without sex for ages.

Here is to a week in a new country!
Here is to having a good evening!
Here is to the best of new lives!

First Day

2006-09-18T18:56:00.000-04:00

I am sitting back in my hotel room and I am so glad to be away from work. It is not, in theory, difficult - it is quite similar to what I used to do. In that respect, I am fine. The work is not out of my depth. It is all in English, which is a bit different, but my English is good, and so I am just a little slower than I used to be.

No, the problem is that everything is in English. I am used to being in an enviroment were everyone speaks Italian, and English is used when necessary. I am reasonably fluent in English, but when everyone around me is speaking it, it all becomes like a buzz to me and I cannot focus on anything.

It is just another thing that will take some adapating to. Everyone was very friendly with me today and I am so grateful for that. I know that things will get easier, it will just take time for me to adapt to this new place and the new people.

I am so tired right now. I am still not properly recovered from jetlag and so I am going to try to stay awake for another couple of hours before sleeping in hopes of getting my sleep cycle to where it should be.

Also, soon I will get back to commenting on other blogs. I will soon I hope have the time for all the fun that the blogging world has to offer.

One day at a time.
One day down.

Moved

2006-09-16T06:10:00.000-04:00

Well I am here and have been awake since 2.00 local time due to jet lag.

Everything is utter chaos, which is no worse than I expected it to be. I hope for everything to have more or less settled down by the end of the weekend.

To do list
-get all of my stuff into storage until I find an apartment
-get my phone number changed (my cell phone number is an italian one, and I believe to start with, it is the wrong number of digits. Safer to just get it changed)
-try to find an apartment as soon as possible
-try to get rid of my jet-lag

and probably a dozen other things that have not yet occurred to me.

What a fun weekend this will be.

But I am here, and I got here safely.

Let my new life begin...

Tomorrow is the big day....

2006-09-14T08:56:00.000-04:00

I am as ready as I ever will be, I suppose.

Everything is ready...everything is packed...I am typing this sitting on the floor with the laptop resting on top of a box. About the only thing not packed is my sheets, and that is because I need somewhere to sleep tonight.

I am so nervous about this.

This will be my last post from Italy.

Wow. That sounds so final.

Let me rephrase: my next post will be the first one from me living in a new country.

That sounds a little better.

I am still nervous.

I am going to be staying in a hotel when I first move there because I do not have an apartment yet. So I should have internet access, so I will probably give all of you an update either tomorrow or Saturday, depending on what time I feel like getting my laptop out.

Ciao, Italia!

The Only Thing

2006-09-05T21:22:00.000-04:00

I know that I should be enough of an adult to stop with the self-deprecating posts, so I promise that this one will be the very last of that. I just wanted to get these few last thoughts out before I grow up and start acting it.

It is just the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is that suicide is a mortal sin. And no matter how much of a sin I have commited because I prefer men (according to my father, this is as good as a mortal sin in and of itself), I will not kill myself. Not yet, anyway. I still have my principles and my Catholicism, no matter how much I have smeared it, is still strong in my heart.

I have no idea where I'm going from here. I have a chance for a new life in the United States and part of me wants to renounce every thing I have experienced in the past couple of months and go so far back into the closet that I forget there is an outside world.

Thank you to those who sent me e-mails regarding what happened this past weekend, but I assure all of you that I am fine. Or at least, I will be.

All I keep remembering is that I am moving away in 10 days. None of this needs to ever matter. I have a new chance at life, away from every one that knows me. Maybe "going straight" is the only option that I have now if I want any hope of normalcy in my life.

2006-09-04T15:54:00.000-04:00

(http://postsecret.blogspot.com)

2006-09-03T10:06:00.000-04:00

i am worthless.
completely worthless.

Big Weekend

2006-09-01T10:14:00.000-04:00

I am driving down to Napoli to visit my father this weekend. I am leaving after work and may or may not stay the weekend.

You see, I am considering coming out to my father. I know how he will react, but if I do not get up the courage to tell him now, I may never tell him.

As a child, I hid plenty of things from my father. What child does not? But now that I am an adult, I feel as though I should act like a responsible adult and talk to my father about this.

I know that he will not approve. I suspect that he will disown me.

But I am leaving the country in about two weeks. I will be away from him then. Maybe I can start a new life in a new country.

I can at least hope that he will not get angry and violent. He might, he might not. I hope that he will act like as much of an adult as I will and that we can talk without raising our voices and that we can act without violence.

Perhaps I am overly optimistic, but I certainly do not expect him to accept me. He is too Catholic for that. I do not expect anything but disgust from him.

But I might as well get it over with.

This is a huge step out of the closet, but I am suprisingly not nervous about it. It is just something that has to be done.

Late

2006-08-30T00:25:00.000-04:00

I finally have a chance to sit down and breathe, so I thought that I would get around to making the post that I said I would make two days ago.

Yes, I got the job. While I am very happy about it (believe me, I am), it has caused all number of complications. And I am going to take the job, so I know I am going to be moving to the United States around September 15.

Now, to the complications:

1. Quitting my job
I turned in my resignation to my boss, who informed me that I did not give due notice and so that I am now going to be working for him up until Sept 13. Lovely.

2. Selling my apartment
I am ready to burn down my apartment to save me the trouble of having to sell it. Enough said.

3. Giuseppe.
Of course he is a complication. He has done everything but beg me to stay, and I am sure he will resort to begging sooner or later. Nevertheless, I am taking the job and there is nothing that is going to stop me at this point from doing so. It is time to move on, time for a fresh start.

4. My father.
I have not yet told him that I will be moving halfway around the world. This also strikes me as a good time to come out and tell him that I am gay (and then run away before he can react)

5. Packing.
It is not until you have to move all of your shit from one place to another that you realize HOW MUCH of it there is.

So for all of these reasons and a few others, my posts up until and directly after my move might be a bit sporadic. I used to post daily, but I really have no time for that right now. Once I am settled in the United States and having a working internet connection, I hope to return to the daily posting. I will check my e-mail daily, though.

Now off to get ready to go to work to a job that I no longer want!

To Jay

2006-08-25T21:31:00.000-04:00

My week has been hectic and likely Sunday or Monday I will post about it.

But this post is for Jay.

I tried to e-mail you, and for some reason or another, it failed to send. You have, for the large part, deleted your blog.

All of these are fine. They are choices that you made.

I have no idea if you will see this, if you still intend to keep reading blogs. If you do, then this is solely for you.

Life is hard. We all make mistakes, we all do stupid things from time to time and most of us survive and come out stronger. There is no shame in admitting defeat from time to time so long as you know that it is not utter defeat.

You are a strong man, I know that. I have faith in you, you are in my prayers.

I am always just an e-mail away. And even if it is just to say hello, I would love to hear from you again some day, when you are ready.

I care about you. I am your friend. I am going nowhere.

And regardless of whether you or I ever speak to each other again, I hope that you keep in mind the deal that you and I made.

Tired

2006-08-16T21:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I was tired of sleeping alone and waking up alone, as it had been quite a while since I had done anything except that. I did not want to go back to Giuseppe, because that would be admitting weakness and starting something up that is best left behind. Sleeping with him at this point would be a mistake.

So I went out and picked a guy up. Young, cute, quite funny when I was drunk, and I brought him back here and I fucked him (mind you, I have only topped twice, I am usually a bottom).

He is lying in my bed now. Sprawled out across it, actually. I think his name is Gianluigi. Something like that, anyway. I should be attempting to sleep right now, considering that I have work tomorrow. But I am here, sitting at my computer, reading blogs and drinking a glass of wine.

I think I have somehow managed to defeat the purpose of bringing home a guy to sleep with. I fucked him, and then was quite unable to fall asleep with him in the same bed as me. The only man that I have ever been comfortable sleeping in the same bed with was Giuseppe. Gianluigi just smells different, feels different, and it was that that kept me awake. Eventually I gave up and got out of bed.

Part of me feels a bit of disappointment that I could not get the same kind of enjoyment from a one-night stand as I could from the almost-relationship that I had. But that is probably commone sense.

I cannot wait to find out whether I have the job or not. Then I can try to sort out my love life and decide whether to try again with Giuseppe or forget about him and move on to the United States and try my luck there.

Somehow, I am not optimistic either way.

Home

2006-08-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

I think this might be my first post from work!

Anyway, the flights were long and tiring and I did not sleep more than an hour or two during them. I came home more or less on time, and though I was probably in no state, tiredness-wise, to drive, I drove home. Waiting outside of my apartment were a dozen roses. They were from him. I took them into my apartment, showered, and tried to forget about them. I checked the note on the flowers right before I left. He told me to phone him as soon as I got the flowers.

I phoned him in the car on the way to work. This is never a good idea in Italy (do you KNOW how fast we drive? lol) and even less of a good idea when I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. After I told him that I had to go to work today, he told me to come to see him as soon as I got him. I told him I was too tired and that all I wanted was to go home and sleep when I was done working. He said that was fine, as long as I did it in his apartment. I said that I would think about it.

I know exactly what he is trying to do. He knows that if I get and take the job in Philadelphia, that I will be leaving him forever. So he is trying to influence me into staying by professing his love for me.

It might even work, if I did not want the job so badly. It will hurt me to leave him, and it will make me feel even more alone than I already feel. But I will not stay in Italy for him. If I do not get the job, then I can think about whether or not I want to try a relationship with him again.

I am also thinking about whether or not to come out to my father if I leave. It may be a cowardly thing to do - to go down to see him and confess, and then run off to the United States...but I do not see any other option. I would rather he disown me when I am leaving, it will break all my ties with this country.

It is not that I hate this country, just that it is time for me to leave it.

And all of this still does not deal with the issue of whether or not I go to him tonight. I know that I will be too tired to do anything more than sleep, and why should I not sleep in his arms?

Long Flight Ahead

2006-08-12T20:16:00.000-04:00

I really did intend to go out tonight. It is my last night in Philadelphia, possibly ever, and so I wanted to leave with a better and more enjoyable experience than last night. Then I realized that I am leaving tomorrow. My flight is approximately 15 hours long. Because of time zones, that means I will land, in theory, provided there are no delays, at 10.40 Monday morning.

I will then go home, shower, and hopefully be at work by 12.30. I will then, with luck, be back home by 19.00, maybe. I do not sleep well on planes. That means I will go from tomorrow morning until Monday night without sleep, and I am sure that that is not going to be terribly enjoyable. My flight from Philadelphia leaves at 13.30, so I need to be at the airport optimistically about three hours ahead of time in case of long lines.

I do not see how that gives me any time to go out. I need an early night if I have any hope of not collapsing at work on Monday. So sadly I will spend Saturday night sitting in my hotel room, alone.

Part of me is glad, though, that I did not sleep with anyone while I was here. I think that shows some self-control and that is a step forward, as well. But I still feel alone here. I have a bottle of wine here, and as I cannot take it home, I might as well finish it. No point in wasting good wine.

I looked at some apartments today. Rent here is very expensive, but as the job pays more than I currently make, I think it will even out.

Real estate agents talk VERY fast. My English comprehension is good...but if you speak a mile a minute at me, I am going to catch about one word a sentence. So I then had to ask them to speak slower, and I got a couple of glares for that. I could almost hear their thoughts "stupid immigrant cannot understand English"

All in all, though, my trip was good. I would love to move here. I am looking forward to going back home, though. My apartment there is my sanctuary, and I feel safe there.

Somehow, I will survive being awake for most of two days.

Friday night

2006-08-11T22:10:00.000-04:00

Well, the interview phase of my visit is over. I will know by the end of the month whether or not I am getting the job, and so I will just have to wait and to hope. I really like this city, I really like this job, and I am hoping that I get it. It would be a defining moment in my life.

As it was Friday night, I decided to go out and sample the nightlife.

I like parties and bars, to some extent. I tend to be uncomfortable in large crowds and I do much better with just a small group of people. This turned out to be a problem, and that is probably because it was Friday night that there were so many people.

I ended up in a couple of gay bars. I went from one to the next as they got too crowded. A couple of guys bought drinks for me, but I did not like any of the men particularly. They seemed to like my accent, and I think that was probably made me so popular.

But I got tired of it, it was too crowded and anyone who talked to me seemed to be talking to me for novelty value...I was the visiting Italian. It was strange and uncomfortable and I disliked it, so I came back to my hotel room.

It makes me feel as if I do move here, then the same thing will happen. I want to be liked for being me, not for having an accent and a nice smile. That has so far been my only complaint about this city. Because if I do move here, I want to properly explore my sexuality, I want to try to get beyond one-night stands and hiding who I am completely. I am not saying I will leap out of the closet if I move here, but it will be a lot easier for me in this environment.

I am staying the rest of the weekend, to look at some apartments, because I will be moving soon if I get the job. And I think I would stay even if I did not intend to, with all of the air travel issues from this week. I am hoping things will have calmed down by Sunday, at least a little.

I hope everyone has had a good week, and has a good weekend.

Nerves part 2

2006-08-10T00:54:00.000-04:00

After a very, very long day on the plane, I finally arrived in Philadelphia.

I am settled here in my hotel room and unable to sleep again, though that might just be jet lag. I spent the morning looking around the city (and I do like it here), then I had an interview at 12.30, and then was shown around for an hour. I wanted to go out again exploring in the afternoon but it was just too hot, so I went to visit some museums. The art museum in particular is wonderful.

I wanted to go out and experience some of the night life of the city, but I have a second interview tomorrow, at 10.45, and showing up hungover or otherwise impaired would be such a huge mistake. My first interview went okay, though I do not think it was anything special. In the evening, I was looking online for apartments near the city because I will need to find one quickly if I get my job. I should find out by the end of August one way or the other.

And no, I did not completely forget English, though I managed to look like a complete fool when I met my interviewer and the first sentence out of my mouth was in Italian. We both laughed but it made me even more nervous through the whole interview and I think that made my English worse. At least I was understandable, I think. That is worth something.

I am going to enjoy my time in Philadelphia. If nothing else, it is time worth enjoying.

Nerves

2006-08-07T20:14:00.000-04:00

I am irrationally nervous and cannot fall asleep. By now it is nearly too late for me to go to bed, my first flight leaves at 7.05, and it is just past 2. I need an hour to drive to the airport, I need to be there at least an hour in advance. And every time I lie down a million disaster scenarios jump into my mind. I have an irrational fear that I am going to completely fuck this interview up. I have prepared for it and I am confident that I am what they are looking for. But I just keep thinking that I am going to get off the plane in Philadelphia this afternoon and suddenly completely forget English.

It is going to be a long day, though. I connect in Rome, then I have a 3 hour wait before my next flight, and then a 9 hour flight from Rome to Philadelphia (and then, from the vagaries of time zones, I manage to arrive in Philadelphia at 15.00, only 8 "hours" from when I left) I know that I am not going to sleep through any of it and that will make me even more hopelessly jetlagged than I am already going to be.

My interview (the first of them) is scheduled for mid-day Wednesday, so that should give me some time to adjust to the jet-lag.

But there is still the fear that I am going to forget English. :)

I really, really want to get this job. Sitting down to write this post is the most sitting I have done since I came home from work. I have gone out for a run to work off my nervous tension and have since been pacing the apartment, alternately trying to go to sleep and failing miserably at that. I am all packed and I can hope that my bag makes it to Philadelphia (I have an extra set of clothes in my carry-on just in case that DOES happen).

I know I need to calm down. It is just that this is so important to me and I could fuck it up so easily.

When I am there, I will probably have an internet connection in the hotel room but I am not sure I will be posting any blog entries. I will check my e-mail, but that is probably about it.

Wish me luck, everyone!

Busy

2006-08-06T22:47:00.000-04:00

I have had a very busy weekend. I have been preparing to go away for 6 days, trying to convince my boss that, yes, I should be allowed to go away for 6 days, and other fairly tedious tasks. I have not had the time for any fun, except for a brief conversation with Giuseppe, and that has long since stopped being called fun.

I really have nothing interesting to blog about, so I am just checking in so that every one knows I am not dead. :)

Commitment

2006-08-04T12:33:00.000-04:00

I have written and rewritten this post a dozen times already and still I feel as though I am not getting everything out that I want to.

I had a girlfriend when I was in University. I had a few, actually, but I only had one that lasted more than three months. She was sweet and attractive and we had a lot in common. My father even did not disapprove of her too much, and from him, that was the best recommendation I had ever had. I met her just before my final year, and we were living together by the time I graduated. She was a year behind me. We were happy together.

She sat me down about a month after I graduated, and told me that she needed more of a commitment. She told me that she loved me and she wanted to spend her life with me. But she said that she was not willing to continue living with me unless we were to get married.

I broke up with her the following morning.

Several years of one-night stands with women progressed, and I never once considered sleeping with the same woman two nights in a row. It did not make me particularly happy, but it was what I did.

Then I met a man, Giuseppe, who, in full knowledge of my sexual past, wanted to give me a second chance at a relationship. I was scared, but I took it.

Within two or three weeks, I had cheated on him, multiple times.

Yet I hate being alone. I hate going to bed alone, I hate waking up alone. I know that my one-night stands will never be anything more than that, and that my continuing to find men to fuck me are dependent on my age. Thirty years from now, I will find it harder to do that. Forty, fifty years from now, what will I be? A dirty old man?

I am young now, but I will not always be. I am STD/HIV-free now, but while I nearly always have protected sex, there is always a chance.

I feel as though I need to find someone. But any relationship that I have had, as soon as it became serious and not just fun, I ended it.

I do not like commitment and I am not good at it.

Coming home to my empty apartment makes me more than ever aware of that.

An E-mail Unsent

2006-08-02T21:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Papa

I know that you and I have always have had different ideas about the way I should live my life. I know that you have never approved of my lifestyle. I know that you have tried time and time again to find young women for me to marry. I do appreciate that effort, honestly. But it is not what I want in my life.

I have always felt as though I was always failing in your eyes. [older brother 1] and [older brother 2] went on to become priests and I can tell how proud you are of them. [older sister 1] and [older sister 2] got married before they were 25 and I can see when your grandchildren are sitting on your lap that you could not ask more from them. Even [older brother 3] has married and he has a family to carry on the family name.

That is a fine lifestyle for someone who wants it. I do not want it. I have never wanted it. I have never wanted to get married. Even the girlfriends that I did bring home, you never approved of them.

You spoiled me. You spoiled the rest of the family, but with me it was different. You spoiled me because it was your way of taking care of me after Mama died. But your spoiling me did not make up for not being there for me. But that is another matter entirely.

What I am trying to say is that I am not like the rest of the family, I never have been, I never will be. I do not fit in. I have always accepted that.

What I did not know was the deepest reason why I did not fit in with all of you.

I have come to accept over the past month or so that I am gay.

I know that that is something you have no desire to hear any son of yours say. But I cannot change it, I cannot be "cured", and I would not want to be.

This is who I am. I am still your son, and I still have every bit as much love and respect for you as I have always had. You are still my father.

To me, that is all that matters.

Your son,
Alessandro

Insomnia

2006-08-01T19:45:00.000-04:00

It is strange, I got no sleep last night and it is nearly 2 am here but I am not tired at all. I went to bed to lie down to hope that I would be tired once I tried to sleep but I was not.

I have the strange feeling, though, that if I were to phone Giuseppe right now and spend what remains of the night with him, I would sleep like a baby in his arms.

There is something so comforting about sleeping in a bed with someone else. Now it seems I am robbed of any desire to sleep when I face the prospect of going to bed alone.

Do I want the happiness of having him as a boyfriend for a couple of weeks only to break it off if I move to the United States? Or is it fairer to both of us for us to not start sleeping together again.

I do think I love him, or at least I feel very strongly about him.

Or maybe I just need sleep.

Sleepless Nights

2006-07-31T22:52:00.000-04:00

I have been up drinking most of the night which is arguably not the best idea when I have to be at work in 2 hours (and have to drive in 1), but there has been a lot on my mind. Yes, I know that alcohol will not solve my problems and I do not expect it to. It is just good for a night when I am unspeakably aware of how lonely I feel.

I phoned Giuseppe when I got home from work and we agreed to meet for dinner (and saved me having to go shopping for another day). It was in a public place so I felt safe in that he would not do anything stupid. And he behaved, for the most part.

Then I told him about my potential new job. They want me to fly there next week, from Tuesday to Friday (I think I will stay until Sunday, though), and if I move there, it will be very soon. I told him all this. For a minute he looked angry and then he looked upset. He asked me what it would take from him in words or action to make me stay here in Rimini with him. He apologized for fighting with me, he did everything but beg me to stay. He knows that he cannot come with me, that if I take this job, then we will never have a chance to be together.

I want the job, though. It is better paying, it will get me out of this country, away from my family, away from this religion. In the United States I can at least attempt to be my own man and to live my life the way I want to live it. I explained that to him and he said that he understood, that he understood everything, but he did not want me to go. He told me that it had been horrible to be separated from me for a month while I was in Napoli, and it would be worse if we never see each other again.

In the end, I told him I would think about everything he had said, and that I would make a decision based on what I thought was best for me.

He invited me back to his apartment, he said to convince me why I should stay.

I am still wondering hours later if I should have gone. Just so I did not have to wake up alone. Just to feel safe and protected and loved for one night.

I said no. I returned to my apartment and drank until there was no more alcohol in the apartment. I am not even tired.

I have no idea what I want. And I have no idea how to get it.

Morning Ramblings

2006-07-30T23:10:00.000-04:00

Well, I am finally home, and it feels very good to be home. It felt good to sleep in my own bed last night, even though I am used to sharing my bed. I hate waking up alone. I had 4 voice mails waiting for me when I got home, all of them from Giuseppe. Two of them were from the day after our first fight, one of them was from a week ago, and the last one was from last night. He wanted to welcome me home and he told me how much he wanted to see me and how much he missed me. He apologized for the fight and said that he wanted to talk, and could I please call him when I get home. I probably should have called him yesterday evening, but I did not want a fight and I wanted to settle back in and give myself some time to think about what exactly I want to say. I will probably call him this evening after I get home from work.

I am actually looking forward to going back to work today. It has been so long since I have worked that I really want to actually DO something. No doubt I will be sick of working in about a week, but for right now, I really want to work. I even do not mind waking up at 5 so that I can leave home by 6 and get to work by 7. So here I am sitting at my computer drinking my first cup of morning coffee and realizing that I have absolutely no food in the apartment. Guess I have to go shopping some time today as well, if I want to eat tonight.

And yet another thing that has made its way on to my to-do list is get my car in for service. I noticed when I was driving back up today that the brakes are not quite as good as they should be.I drive a Lamborghini Murciélago (a birthday gift from my father), and maintenance is really very expensive, but it is worth it. I love my car, but if I do end up moving to the United States, I know I am going to have to sell it, and that will break my heart.

And those are my ramblings for this morning, and now I am off to shower and get dressed and go pretend to be normal for the rest of the day. I hope you all have a great Monday morning (or as good as any Monday morning can be)

empty

2006-07-29T19:35:00.000-04:00

I really cannot summon up the energy to write a long and thoughtful blog post. Depression seems to have grabbed me and for no reason at all: I should be glad that later today I will be driving home. I should be glad that I might get a new and better-paying job.

But I am not.

I went out last night. Not to party, or get drunk, or get laid. I went to Church. It still means so much to me and I get a lot of comfort from going. It is the same Church that I was baptised in, the same Church I went to all through my childhood. A comfort object, maybe.

It had a calming effect on me. Earlier last night I had some definite self-destructive urges. After leaving, I felt calm. I did not want to hurt myself.

Now I am just empty.

Empty and alone and incomplete. And I have no idea what I am looking for to fill that void in my soul.

A Mess

2006-07-28T23:41:00.000-04:00

I intended to actually go home today and settle back in over the weekend. I wanted to leave early just to get away from this fucking city. But now I am too drunk and too high to trust myself to do anything like drive myself half way across the country.

This morning I just feel like a big fucking mess and a complete waste of space.

I am disgusted at myself and feel sorry for myself and if I were anyone else I would probably beat the crap out of me for how pathetic I am being.

And here is another miserable blogger signing out to go drown his misery in drinking, drugs, and mindless sex for the weekend.

Well Spent

2006-07-27T21:28:00.000-04:00

I am in his apartment. He looks me over and tells me to strip. What is a boy to do but do exactly that? After I am naked, he tells me to sit down and make myself comfortable. He disappears into another room. I am comfortable with being naked, and only slightly less so in a strange apartment with a man I only partially know. I sit back on the couch and look around, and wait.

I am waiting quite a while. The anticipation is incredibly arousing.

Then he is standing in the doorway, looking at me. He is still fully dressed. 'Masturbate for me', he tells me. He watches as I do. Just sprawled on this strange man's couch, naked, masturbating while he is watching from about 4 or 5 meters away.

He stops me after a few minutes. He walks over until he is standing next to the couch. 'Do you want me to blow you?' he asks.

I tell him that would be great. I am not the biggest fan of oral sex, but it is days since I have had intimate contact with a man. And then he makes me beg for it. Something else that I quickly find very arousing. Then he stops, right before I come.

He unzips his pants and pulls his dick out. Standing again in front of the couch, he tells me to blow him. Now, there is something I find highly erotic about me being naked and the other man NOT naked.

I do, and I am getting into it when he stops me, tells me to turn around so I am bent over the couch. I know what is coming and my dick gets even harder thinking about it. It has been days since I have been fucked and I miss it.

He is gentle, which is nice, and he keeps playing with my dick as he fucks me so I stay hard but stops whenever he feels I am close to coming. He whispers that I am not going to come until he wants me to.

He stops before finishing, turns me around again, takes off the condom and tells me to finish him with my mouth, which I do. I swallow, though I find it a bit unpleasant, but I do it anyway because I know thats what I like when someone is sucking my dick.

I am still hard. He tells me to sit back on the couch and watch. He does a slow sexy striptease and I find that he has a wonderful body as well as a wonderful dick.

Now naked, he sits on the couch beside me and starts to kiss me, touching me everywhere except my dick.

'Please' I say as his hands and mouth start moving down my chest. I lie back and close my eyes, my mind completely blank except for his touches.

I do not know how long he kept teasing my dick for but eventually he starts sucking my dick again and I come. It feels so fucking good.

I lie there in post-coital bliss feeling the weight of his body on mine as he kisses me again.

'Are you staying the night?' he asks.

I shake my head, get dressed, and leave. It is just another fuck. No more, no less.

Of Course

2006-07-27T13:45:00.000-04:00

I went out last night just to have some fun and get away from my family. I was sitting at a gay bar when a guy comes up to me, sits down, and starts to talk to me. Hes really cute, got a great smile, and he can hold a conversation, which is really good. And so we talk and drink for a couple of hours, I am careful to make sure that I do not drink too much and end up sounding like an idiot, as I so often do when I am completely drunk.

He seems like a good guy, is a little on the old side for me (34) and lives alone, works as a manager of a clothing store, seems to be a fairly happy guy who really knows what he wants in life. That made him a great person to talk to, and I did find myself talking to him about all of my insecurities and fears. He did a great job of reassuring me.

It is maybe about midnight or one in the morning when the guy gets up and says that he has work tomorrow and so he has to get home. And he invites me to come with him. I tell him that I really am not looking for a one-night stand, and thanks, but I am not interested. That was really hard for me to say, mind you, because I have been used to a lot of sex and have not been getting that lately.

He said that that was fine, he was not really looking for a one-night stand either. And he asked me out to dinner tonight. I was too drunk to think about it and say no, so of course I said yes. He phoned me about an hour ago and we finalized where we are going and when, etc.

But I am leaving on Sunday, for Rimini, which is quite a long way from Napoli, several hours by car. This man told me that he was not looking for a one-night stand, and he does not know I am going away in three days. But I really like him and he really seems to be a calm and steady guy which frankly is what I need because I know that I am all over the place.

I am not going to tell him tonight, I just want to have a nice meal. I do not intend to have sex with him and I think that he will be okay with that.

Why does this seemingly perfect guy land in my life just as I am about to leave the city? I have been here for a month...where has he been all this time???

Unpeeling the Layers of a Soul

2006-07-26T12:50:00.000-04:00

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Alessandro
-- Birth date: 9 November 1981
-- Birthplace: Napoli
-- Current Location: Napoli

-- Eye Color: Dark Brown
-- Hair Color: Black
-- Height: 1.74m
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Italian
-- The shoes you wore today: Leather sandals
-- Your weakness: Men.
-- Your fears: Not being in control of my life
-- Your perfect pizza: Mushrooms, olives, sausage, peppers
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Happiness

LAYER THREE:
-- Your first waking thoughts: why am I alone in bed?
-- Your best physical feature: My smile
-- Your most missed memory: The happiness I had briefly with Giuseppe

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Neither
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Both are disgusting
-- Single or group dates: Group
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: yes
-- Cuss: Is that swear? in that case, yes
-- Sing: Badly, yes
-- Take a shower everyday: Yes
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes
-- Want to go to college: I already have
-- Liked high school: No
-- Want to get married: NO
-- Believe in yourself: On occasion
-- Get motion sickness: No
-- Think you're attractive: I am gorgeous
-- Think you're a health freak: Not at all
-- Get along with your parent(s): Definitely not
-- Like thunderstorms: Yes
-- Play an instrument: No

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Yes
-- Smoked: Yes
-- Done a drug: Yes
-- Made Out: Yes
-- Gone on a date: Yes
-- Gone to the mall?: No
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: No
-- Eaten sushi: No
-- Been on stage: No
-- Been dumped: Maybe
-- Gone skating: No
-- Made homemade cookies: No
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen Anything: No

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes
-- Been caught "doing something": Yes
-- Been called a tease: Yes
-- Gotten beaten up: Yes
-- Shoplifted: No
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Yes

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: I do not intend to marry
-- Numbers and Names of Children: No children
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: No intention of having a wedding
-- How do you want to die: I would prefer not to, but if I must, I would rather die quickly
-- Where you want to go to college: I have already been. University of Napoli
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: I have no idea
-- What country would you most like to visit: Somewhere in Africa might be fun

LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: Are we counting instances of drug use or number of different drugs used? 3 different drugs, many times
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: no one, I do not think
-- Number of CDs that I own: maybe 100
-- Number of piercings: 1
-- Number of tattoos: zero
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: None that I know of
-- Number of scars on my body: 2 or 3
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: a lot

a bad day

2006-07-25T21:33:00.000-04:00

As I have been using this blog as my whining-area, I feel no need to stop now.

I did not get to sleep until about 4 in the morning, and then my father was kind enough to wake me up at 8. I do not do well on four hours of sleep. It makes me grouchy and even more of a pain in the ass than I normally am. I tried to go back to sleep, trust me, but my father was persistent. He insisted on taking me out to get something to eat so that we could talk.

It was exactly what I expected: he assumed that last night I had gone out and picked up a whore. He told me that I was to stop doing that, to find someone who I wanted to fuck for more than a night and marry her. How I wanted to tell him that that was more or less what I was looking to do, except for the fact that I was not looking for a woman. But I held my tongue.

He also told me to stop sitting around the house all day. He forbade me to come back to the house before 18.00. So off I wandered into Napoli. It is not that that there was nothing for me to do, just that I was in too much of a bad mood to want to do it. I am also not much of an outdoors person, and so wandering a city that I already know quite well is not my idea of a fun day.

To make everything even better, Giuseppe phoned me. I was not in the mood for another shouting match especially not in public, so I tried to be calm and asked him why he was talking to me again. He apologized for his harsh words and he said that he had been thinking about me a lot. He asked me when I was coming home, and when I told him, he told me that he wanted to see me when I came back so that we could talk. I said okay and that I would phone him when I returned.

When I came home, after eating with my family, I went back upstairs to my room and used that cocaine I bought yesterday. I do not consider it a negative act, but I hate using it in my fathers home.

I do not know whether I want to talk to Giuseppe when I go back to Rimini. I hurt him and he hurt me back. If I do get a job in the United States, he will not be able to come with me. I am not sure I want to restart a relationship I know will have to end soon. I like him and aside from our fight, he is wonderful. But I just do not know. Any words of wisdom on the issue would be greatly appreciated.

Going Out

2006-07-24T21:29:00.000-04:00

I came back home about two hours ago, just after the rest of the family went to bed. I feel like a teenager, sneaking out of the house, sneaking around behind their back. I always thought I was a little less juvenile than that. Though, of course, I have enough people telling me from day to day that I act like a child, that I am as spoiled as one, and that it is time for me to grow up and be a man.

Anyway, tonight I went out without the intention of getting laid. I wanted to go out to a gay club, have a good time, and leave without getting fucked. I thought that it might show some sign of maturity. I wanted some music, some drinks, looking at some cute guys.

I will have to wait to see when I return to Rimini if there is any kind of gay "scene", but here there are a number of bars and clubs, I just have to be careful and discreet about it.

Going into the club this evening, I thought about how I had lied to my father. I told him I was going out to eat with some friends. Part of me wanted to tell my father exactly what I was going out to do. But I could imagine the look on his face, and it nearly made me sick. I am sure he knew I was lying, and no doubt tomorrow I will get a lecture on how a good Catholic man should not go out and pick up whores.

Everything seems to radiate around the lie I have to keep. It HURTS.

That is one reason I want to move to the United States. They might not be the most tolerant nation in the world, but at least I can come out a little without fear of utter shaming by the people around me. And if I move to the United States, I am away from my father, I am away from my family, I can live the life that I want to live.

Back to going out. I had fun, sitting there and drinking. A couple of men bought me drinks, and one of them was quite attractive. I would have been more than willing to go home with him, if I was in the mood to get fucked tonight.

I left before I really intended to, because something about it depressed me. All of the men were around my age, a little older or a little younger, and all of them looked like they knew exactly what they were doing. I know that they did not, and that it is all in my head, but I could not help but think that all of them were perfectly comfortable as the gay men they were and that I stood out, like I had a sign on me proclaiming that I was still so deep in the closet.

Maybe this will be easier once I am back in Rimini.

I went out in a good mood, as I intended to have fun. When I came back in and turned my laptop on, that good mood had evaporated.

I want to be me. The me that I can be on this blog. Not the Alessandro that my family expects of me.

All of it just frustrates me.

And now I am going to go to bed before I talk myself into getting high with the cocaine that I scored tonight.

Removed (and other things)

2006-07-24T10:18:00.000-04:00

For privacy reasons, I removed the post of the picture of me. If you missed it and are really that desperate to see it, email me and I will be happy to rectify the situation (lol).

Life goes on as ever boring here and I have nothing even worthy to blog about. I think my brain has turned off and so I will have to wait for it to turn itself back on.

Good news is that my father is sending me back home on Sunday! Finally, I will be living in my own apartment again. I cannot wait.

Pissing Me Off

2006-07-23T20:13:00.000-04:00

I use yahoo for my personal mail. I also use yahoo messenger to stay in touch with friends both local and international.

On Saturday, yahoo messenger was unavailable, which annoyed me. A lot.

And today, I cannot get to my fucking email!

It has left me extremely frustrated as I have friends with whom I regularly correspond via email and I have no idea how long Yahoo email is going to be down.

I know this is realistically only a small inconvenience, but it made me realize how much I depend on Yahoo just to communicate with people.

It has put me in a bad mood all weekend.

Enough

2006-07-20T21:31:00.000-04:00

First, I want to thank everyone who left a comment on that blog post I wrote yesterday, and especially to those who e-mailed me with words of support. Thank you all, so very much.

I have made a couple of decisions regarding my life. This was done after I woke a friend up in the middle of the night and proceeded to cry my heart out to her and keep her up most of the night with my whining and complaining. I am lucky to have her, no matter how much I feel as though I am abusing the friendship.

Anyway, with her help, I have decided some things.

First, all of this moaning and griping and depression is going to get me nowhere in life except further towards one day when I will put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I aim to avoid that day for as long as possible, hopefully forever. So that has to change. I have to stop sitting in my room, listening to sad music, drinking, and getting high. Because that is what I have been doing, despite myself telling me not to. I have not been going out (except to get drugs and alcohol) and I think being stuck inside is contributing to my mood.

I am going to start running again. Three months ago, I had a sixpack, and in general was fairly toned, muscle-wise. Now all that has gone, and I want it back. I have heard that excerise is a fairly good way to lift moods, so perhaps it will help. And as I have nothing to do with my life until I go back to Rimini in a week and a half, I might as well get started.

Second, the random and anonymous sex, for the most part, has to stop. I know it is dangerous and I can only be lucky for so long. Even if it means I must abstain from sex, I need to get the rest of my life under some control before I go out every night and more or less whore myself.

Third, I need to accept the fact that it is highly unlikely that Giuseppe will take me back, and frankly, I do not deserve him. That means that I am going to have to start looking for some kind of stable relationship. I have never been very good at those, but it is time for me to grow up.

But perhaps that would be unwise for now. A month or so ago, I applied for a job. Only this job was nowhere in Italy. I applied for a job in the United States. My English is good enough (my spoken is worse than my written), and I have already started putting together everything I would need to apply for a work visa. Anyway, a couple of days ago, I was informed that they want to interview me. That will mean a trip to the United States within a month or two. If I get the job, and I hope I do, then I will be moving there. It would be silly to get into a relationship at this point if I am going to have to either end it or force someone else to uproot themselves from Italy.

I think that a move to the United States would be a good change. It would be away from the stifling Catholicism of my country and maybe I could even get a boyfriend that I could live with in peace.

But that is not a certainty yet. I have not even been offered the job. If I am, it will be around the end of August or the beginning of September that I would find out and have to move.

It is time to move on and take control of my life. I do not want to be a sobbing mess for the rest of my life.

I am still young.

It is time to move on.

Loneliness

2006-07-19T21:52:00.000-04:00

Lonely.

I am so lonely.

I know that all of you are here for me but you are all thousands of miles away.

There is no one here.

And that makes me so sad.

So sad I want to hurt myself. Hurt myself so badly that no one else can hurt me anymore. So that nothing can hurt me anymore. So I feel nothing.

Because then I will not have to sit as I am now in my room, trying not to cry.

Why I Am Here?

2006-07-19T10:34:00.000-04:00

No, I do not mean why I am here on this planet, because that is Gods domain and I do not feel like venturing there this afternoon.

I mean why am I here, on blogger.

I am a stuck-up rich kid. I throw temper tantrums. I am extremely high maintenance. I like to sulk, and pout, when I do not get my way.

Yes, I know that none of the above are exactly desirable characteristics, but they are who I am. And what they add up to is that I do exactly what I want, when I want, how I want, with little regard to consequences or to other peoples feelings

(can you see why I have yet to have a successful long-term relationship yet?)

So why put this blog out here, when to be perfectly honest, I appreciate all the advice and welcome it wholeheartedly, in the end, I know that I am going to do whatever I damn well please, regardless of how ill-advised it is. Why?

Because in my society, in my community, I am alone. I know that I am not the only gay man in Italy (there is Stefano too!) but for the most part we remain isolated because most gay men in Italy do not come out of the closet for fear of all the shit that this society will throw at them.

Here, on blogger, it does not matter. It does not matter that I am Catholic and gay and that those two can be combined. It does not matter that my wants are different from that of the majority of people. I do not have to fear ex-communication, disowning from my family, being shunned by my friends.

Here, I can just be me.

And that, is why I am here.

Drugs

2006-07-18T14:42:00.000-04:00

I first used marijuana when I was in University. I remember it clearly, it was a party and everyone was smoking marijuana. I had never tried it and saw no reason to not do it. I was fairly disappointed by it, I got little of a high from it and so when I smoked more during the rest of my University years, it was only because everyone else was. University was also where I started smoking cigarettes seriously and drinking harder than I had while I was still living at home.

After I left University and moved across the country, I stopped smoking marijuana but never stopped smoking cigarettes or drinking.

It was at another party that I first used cocaine. That I definitely enjoyed, far more than I had ever enjoyed marijuana. But I knew from the start how much more addictive it was and that I had to regulate my use. So I was careful to never use more than once or twice a week, and that continued for about three or four years. My only other drug use was my one experiment with methamphetamines and I am not likely to try that again.

Giuseppe was the only friend who I regularly used cocaine with. Lately the using grew more intense, to several times a week. I still did not think that I was addicted to it, just that it helped to remove some stress from my life, from a life where I was branching away from the traditional and getting involved with a man. Homosexuality seemed as good an excuse to use more cocaine than I had previously.

Then I came to Napoli and it was a lot harder to get high when I was living with my father. I think that I have been going through mild withdrawal since, but that is not what I wanted to write about.

Lately, I have been sneaking out not only for sex, but also for drugs. It has made me feel better to get high, even though I know that it solves no problems. Since returning to Napoli after my disaster with Giuseppe, I have not allowed myself to do so and I think that I will be able to hold that conviction for a little while longer.

Once I return to Rimini, whenever that may be, though, it will be harder. My dealer lives very close to me and while we are not friends, so to speak, I run into him during my normal life as well as when I am buying from him. It will be very difficult to resist temptation.

I know that drugs are not the answer to my problems. My father does not know that I use any kind of narcotic, or I would be in a rehabilitation program before I knew what had happened to me. I know that all drugs do are mask the problems that are really plaguing me.

One of the comments on a previous post said that because of one-drug induced affair with a man that I claim myself as a homosexual. And that is not exactly true. Firstly, my affair BEGAN as drug-induced. We used together on occasion during our (brief) relationship, but we were largely not high when we were together. Nor do I claim myself as heterosexual, I have a definite attraction to men. All I say is that I have yet to have a long-term successful relationship with either a man or a woman. Relationships are not something I am very good at. And maybe he (or she) is right and I will find a woman and live happily ever after. But maybe he (or she) is wrong and I am more interested in men. And maybe he (or she) is neither right nor wrong and I will find no one to be happy with in the long-term. I have seen no preaching to "convert me" to homosexuality, though, in the comments I have received. All I have found is support and understanding.

I do know that I am confused about my sexuality. I do know that I am confused about what I want. I do know that although I have feelings that I am in some way abnormal, I am trying to get past that.

Anyone who knows me will say that I am stubborn and vain and self-centered and that no one can push me around. Whatever decision I make will be mine alone and no one, woman, man, lover, friend, will be able to convince me of something against my will.

Telephones

2006-07-18T09:01:00.000-04:00

I phoned Giuseppe as I had promised myself that I would. Fortunatelly, I have my cell phone with me now. Before, whenever I wanted to phone him, I would have to make the phone call from a different phone every time so that my father could not draw a pattern from it. I did not expect him to answer, he had a million reasons not to.

He answered anyway.

It quickly became a screaming match, though most of the name-calling was on his side. It hurt, but it was all technically true. I have never liked shouting, it upsets me, and he knows that. Especailly because he and I have never shouted at each other before.

It left me nearly in tears. More than anything I am now sure that he will never accept me back into his life. I wish that I could properly accept that but I still want him. I would still do anything for him, if he would let me.

I can hear his angry words in my head even now still.

A week ago I would have wanted nothing more than to return home to Rimini to be with him. Now I dread the day that I return home. He had not completely invaded my life, but there will be reminders of him in my apartment and no matter how bitter our fight, we will still have to meet socially with our other friends and give no sign that anything at all is wrong. I think that will be the hardest thing to do, to pretend that he is still my friend and that I have never felt anything for him except friendship.

I came into this relationship by luck and accident. I do not think finding another boyfriend will be as easy.

And to be honest, I do not want to find another boyfriend. I want him to forgive me, I want me to go back to Rimini and to his kisses and to his bed.

I have never had tremendous evidence of God ever answering my prayers, but if He could do one thing for me in my life, it would be to at least take the edge off this pain. If not, I shall be forced to resort to narcotic means.

Thoughts

2006-07-17T10:56:00.000-04:00

Last night, completely sober, I sat in my fathers kitchen with my fathers gun in my hand. I have never used a gun before, never wanted to, but guessed that it could not possibly be that difficult to use it if I wanted to kill myself. Let me start by saying that I have never considered myself depressed, and especially not suicidal. That part of my Catholicism is strong, I do believe that suicide is a mortal sin. Yet I sat in a dark kitchen with a gun contemplating using it. All kinds of things were running through my head but I did not move. I must have sat perfectly still for at least an hour, trying to kill myself while at the same time trying not to kill myself. Fortunately it was the second impulse that won in the end and I put the gun away and went to bed.

I could not sleep, though. I sat in the bed that I have slept in since I was a child and wished that I could reverse the past 2 months. I went on my knees and prayed to God to take it all away and to make me the person my father and my society wants of me. I cried and begged and pleaded Him to wipe out my memories of the past 2 months. I prayed until the sun rose in the hope that something that I said would make a difference. I went to Church this morning as soon as I could and prayed there and Confessed as well.

It has not helped.

I have forbidden myself sex, alcohol, or drugs until I can make up my mind exactly what I want and how to do it. I know I am on an edge and I do not want any substance to make my decision for me.

Like a coward, I could not call Giuseppe today. Instead, I sent him an e-mail, sparing myself his immediate reaction. Of course he can and probably will just delete it un-read.

Ricardo in one of his comments on my last post said that I should find some way to return to Rimini as soon as possible, but I see two problems with it: there is no good reason I can convince my father I need to return there soon, and Giuseppe will not forgive me so soon.

It is as though I am just making it through each day as one, struggling to make it to the close of the day only to have it repeated exactly the same the next day. I think it would be easier if I could find something to hate Giuseppe for. But I still love him as much as I did on Friday when I went to him.

I want to be straight.
I want it so badly.
I want to want to have a girlfriend, and be able to bring her home to my father

I want to be normal.

I am an Idiot

2006-07-15T21:53:00.000-04:00

My thoughts are all over and it is late/early so this may not make much sense altogether.

We were lying in bed and talking. I think that he has fallen in love with me more than I have fallen in love with him. Not that I do not love him because I do, but he has been gay and accepting of it for years and has had several relationships with degrees of success. He told me that he loved me and that he wished that we did not have to live so secretly in this kind of lie. He said that if we could he would want to live with me, be with me completely.

I could not look him in the eye.

He asked me what was wrong. I said that there was nothing wrong, but he knows me. He has known me for 3 years or more and he knows my sexual habits - in that I have been very promiscous with women. He then asked me whether I had slept with any man in Napoli in the past couple of weeks.

I said yes, because I have.

He asked me how many. 1, 5, 10, more?

I replied that I did not know. And to be honest I do not.

He was upset and angry. I expected him to be. He told me to go home, where I am right now. He told me that he thought I must think he is a fool, for him to tell me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and only me when I did not feel the same about him and would sleep with any man I met.

I am not expecting sympathy when I post this because I know I am wrong and he is right and that I am the one who has made the mistakes. What he said is not true, I do love him I love him very much.

I am sitting alone at home now and I will be going back to Napoli early because there is no point staying here if I am not going to be spending the time with him. And I will be in Napoli until the end of July so there is no way for me to make up with him before then because he will never believe me if I say I am being faithful.

I think I may have lost the man who means most to me.

Note

2006-07-14T09:05:00.000-04:00

I am just about to leave to get on the train to take me back home to Rimini. I will be far too busy, I hope, having lots of sex this weekend, to come online and update the blog.

I will be back on Monday.

Take care, everyone.

Faithfulness - Part IV

2006-07-13T19:50:00.000-04:00

I went to see G after I got home from work because I have learned that it is quicker and easier for me to just do what he says rather than put up a fight about it - he always wins anyway. It was a wonderful surprise: he told me that he had two plane tickets and a hotel reservation in Barcelona for the weekend.

I cannot even described how incredible it felt for me to go away with him where we did not have to sneak about and hide about what we were. During one of the brief periods where I convinced him to leave the room, we could walk down the street together, holding hands, and no one even commented. If only we could do that at home. Ah well.

So, we had an incredible weekend and I really hated going home and leaving all of that behind. I was so used to that 48 hours of not being apart that even spending Monday by myself (well, I was at work, but I was still not with him) hurt me. I wanted to be with him.

I called him Monday evening in the hopes of seeing him, but he was not answering his phone, either his home phone or his cell phone and that upset me. I spent hours envisioning what he might have been doing, and I could not sleep. I got fairly drunk that night out of sheer misery. But I was also kind of disgusted at myself that I had fallen so hard for any one when I knew that I had prided myself on never falling in love.

He called me in the middle of the night. He woke me up but I did not really care. I did not want to seem jealous so I did not ask him what he did or where he was. Instead, he volunteered it. He said that he had been out shopping and declined to elaborate. It was too late and we both had work the following morning, so we spent the night apart.

He came to my apartment the following evening after I had come home from work. He showed me what he had spent the previous night shopping for - some methamphetamines. I use drugs and I will not lie about it, but I have always used cocaine and cocaine alone. I know my tolerances with it and I have been careful enough to not get addicted to it. My boyfriend has done more experimenting and he insisted that it was a great high and that we could both enjoy it.

It took some persuading but I eventually decided to try them.

I overdosed. If G had not been there and in a better condition than I was, I might have died.

He took me to the hospital, where they treated me. And then they called my father.

About four days after I arrived at the hospital, my father took me back to his home in Napoli.

To the best of my memory, which admittedly is not perfect considering the circumstances, G visited me several times a day, every day of those four days.

Third Post of the Day, I Know - Survey

2006-07-13T13:12:00.000-04:00

Today I am very bored and cannot wait to go home tomorrow to see G. So I do things like stupid surveys.

My ex was ...
she was a bitch and she wanted to get married

My Family is ...
conservative, rich, and Catholic

Maybe I should ...
move to another country

I love...
My incredible boyfriend

I don't understand ...
why people are so stupid

.My favorite color is ...
yellow

I lost my...
sense of inhibition after I fell in love with my boyfriend

Walking on ....
the beach is so romantic

I want to ...
be able to live with G and for it to not be a big deal

People would say that I'm ..
Difficult, but not impossible (this has been said to my face)

Love is ...
incredible when you have it, devastating when you do not

Somewhere, someone is ...
missing me. (actually, he is probably too busy working, stupid sod)

I will always ...
love to have fun

Forever is ...
a dream

I never want to ...
give up what I love because someone says I should

I think the current Prime Minister is ...
Only slightly better than the last one in that he has not actually been TRIED for corruption, only accused of it

When I wake up in the morning I ...
wish I was not in bed alone

Life is full of ...
idiots

My past is incredibly . . .
monotonous

I get annoyed when ...
someone does not do what I want deliberately to piss me off (yes, I am a spoiled brat)

Parties are for...
lots of fun

I wish ...
that G and I could be openly together

Kisses are the worst when ...
they are meaningless

Tomorrow I'm going to ...
go see G and have a weekend of hot sex!

I really want ...
my father to accept me for who I am

I have low tolerance for people who ...
do not treat me like the god I am (kidding)...

If I had a million dollars ...
I would move somewhere, anywhere but here

Guys are ...
great, but there is only one for me

Girls are ...
fairly nonexistent in my life

Faithfulness - Part III

2006-07-13T09:46:00.000-04:00

After having sex with whoever it was, the next day I had to take off from work because I was too sore from the sex. It gave me a lot of time to think about it, and about life in general. I wanted to believe that sex with him was utterly meaningless and that would make sex with any man just about lust and desire. I am perfectly comfortable with having sex with a stranger. I can quite easily say that aside from G, I have never once been in love in my life. I did not really believe that love was something I wanted to feel. Lust was safer and had kept me reasonably satisfied for most of my life.

But even considering how sore I was, I still wanted G. More specifically, I wanted to know that it did not always have to hurt. I had pushed him away so many times though, and changed my mind back and forth so often that I did not want to call him and tell him I wanted to see him. Instead, I went to watch another of the World Cup matches at another friends apartment. The walk home afterwards took me directly past the street where G lives. And before I realized it I had called him.

I know that if someone treated me the way I treated him, I would want nothing to do with them. Instead, he told me to come over so that we could talk about what I wanted. Not what WE wanted, because I think he had made up his mind to have me and had decided that ages ago, but what I wanted. He is the one that while not out to anyone is comfortable with being gay. When I went there, he told me that I had two choices that he could see. I could either end this properly and drop all of this, or I could accept who and what I was. But he said that if I chose the second, then it was going to be final and that he would not let me push him away again. If I chose the second, then I would be in a relationship (something I have been avoiding) with him.

I told him that the previous night I had had sex with a man that I did not know. I asked him if he still wanted me, with that knowledge.

He said of course he did, and he told me that he would have liked to be the one to have my virginity and asked me if I enjoyed it.

I asked him if it always hurt.

There was more conversation but I really do not recall most of it. It was past midnight when we finally went to bed, and despite how sore I still was, I let him fuck me. It did hurt, because I was already sore but he was gentle and I did enjoy it.

And when I was lying there in his bed, in his arms, I felt happy. I felt safe, and protected, and loved. I spent most of the rest of the night there, leaving only when I had to get up for work the next morning.

But I knew that we had to be careful about how often we spent the night with each other. We both have neighbors. So we agreed that I could spend one night with him a week, and him one night with me, and that we would spend the evenings together for most of the rest of the week.

The next Friday, he called me at work and told me to come directly to his apartment as soon as I left work. He said that he had a surprise for me.

Boredom

2006-07-12T20:16:00.000-04:00

Since returning to my fathers home in Napoli, I have been very unable to return to work. I would be more than happy to go back to my apartment and go back to work and go back to my life but my father has arranged for a month long leave of absence for me which will take me to the end of July. It is theoretically for me to recuperate from my overdose, but I feel fine, the tests from the hospital say I am fine, and I am sick of being stuck here with my father. I basically have nothing to do in this house since I have come home. I sit around, sit on the computer - until my father tells me to get off, eat a couple of times a day, when I can, go out and have a couple of drinks.

A bigger problem is that when my father came and retrieved me from the hospital a couple of weeks ago, he neglected to go back to my apartment for any of my things. So I am without my phone, my laptop, my car, most of my clothes...I tried to convince him to let me return this week for those things (and so I can see G) but after I disappeared all last weekend (drinking and drugs and sex) he refused me. I have told him that I will be going back home Friday evening and that I will be back on Monday.

It is not that he has the power to refuse me. I have money of my own and am a free person. But I do not want him to disown me and I know he has been very close to doing that many times. There is a line I have to toe and if I am not careful, I will find myself without a family and that will hurt very much.

Right now though I am just bored. My father is often around the house and he is more than happy to find work for me to do but I cannot be bothered most of the time. I go to Church fairly often not because of a strong religious faith but simply to get me out of the house.

I consider myself a fairly attractive man. (I am 1.74m tall, 64kg, fairly fit, shoulder-length black hair, dark eyes) I have never had any problem attracting women, or lately, in attracting men. I feel like I am trapped in my fathers house. I have been sneaking out of this house since I was a teenager, but he has lectured me so many times in the last two or three weeks that any time I do, I feel incredibly guilty. He does not like me to go out for the evening to "find a whore", he would rather I sit at home with him and watch some brainless television.

These are the best years of my life! Why am I being stuck here in my fathers house?

I know I sound like a whining teenager but right now I feel like one. My father is treating me as if I am a child, and while I can be a brat when I choose to be, I think I should at least be given the freedom to run my own life. I am 24 years old and I am old enough to be making my own decisions about my life.

Faithfulness - Part II

2006-07-12T14:56:00.000-04:00

After that weekend, it was a few more days before I called G and asked him to come around to my apartment. I wanted to be completely recovered and to be in complete control of myself because I had still not decided exactly what I wanted. With a good friend of mine who has been a complete angel no matter how badly I treat her (unintentionally), I did a lot of talking and I finally decided about twenty minutes before he arrived that I wanted to know simply the truth: I wanted to know if he really did kiss me, I wanted to know if it had been because we were high or because he wanted to...and if that was the case, then I wanted him to kiss me again now that I was far more conscious than I had been the first time.

He was quite blunt. He admitted that he was gay and that he was attracted to me. And he was more than happy to comply with my second request. There was a football match going on at the time, and I remember that he did a good deal in the way of distracting me from watching it. But he was very patient with me and I could not have asked for a better man for those first few days.

He was far better than I deserved because the day after that, I decided that it all had to stop. I had too much to lose if I was found out and so to me it seemed as though I was better off completely ignoring whatever desire I had to explore that part of me.

The following weekend, I returned home for my sister's birthday, about four hours by car from where I live. He called me the night that I got there and told me that either I agreed to see him as soon as I came back home or that he would drive down there in the middle of the night and come to see me here. I refused either, telling him again that I wanted all of it to end.

At three in the morning, he knocked on my door. He had driven down just as he had promised to and I spent an enjoyable night with him before (again) telling him the next morning that it all had to end.

I succeeded in ignoring him for about a week the second time. It was then that I decided on a plan to rid myself of whatever desires I had. I went out, found a gay bar, had too much to drink, and found a random guy to fuck me. The idea behind it was to make sex with a man as meaningless as I had always treated sex with women. I did not want to feel anything more than lust for anyone, and I thought that that might work. All I have to say about that experience - my first experience with anal sex, was that it hurt very badly and made me firmly want to never try it again.

I thought that it had worked, and that I had managed to get rid of whatever desire I might have had for G, getting rid of it with uncaring lust with a man whose name I had forgotten by the time I staggered back to my apartment.

Papa

2006-07-11T21:32:00.000-04:00

I am by far the youngest child in my family (my brother who is next youngest is 8 years older than I am) and that has always made me both spoiled and abandoned. My mother died in childbirth and my father mourned her death for a very many years to my neglect and I grew up believing that he blamed me for my mothers death. It was my oldest brother who was my true father to me. I do not blame my father but I cannot entirely forgive him. It makes me wonder because my brothers and my sisters got a proper childhood with two parents and I recieved a childhood with barely one, if maybe that has been why I am so un-alike to the rest of my family.

I am not out to my family except to my oldest brother. He is a Priest and he has always been able to make me talk about anything I do not wish to say. He disapproved of my reckless sexual behavior and has tried to talk me into anything else for a long time. When I confessed to him that I thought I was gay, he told me that he could not, as a Priest, condone my behaviour. But as my brother, he wanted nothing but me to be happy. And if that made me happy, then he was happy as well. I love my oldest brother and I am glad he is here for me in any capacity.

My father has been pushing for my marriage since I graduated from University. I have managed to avoid dealing with that issue by moving across the country but now due to my own stupidity I am living at home again and have to deal with it every day. I was reckless enough to overdose on methamphetamines and so my father dragged me home so that he could try to mold me into his image one more time.

I do not hate my father, he wants me to live up to what he believes are the right expectations and the right kind of life: to get married, have a family, be a good Catholic. So far, I suppose I am none of those and aside from being a good Catholic, I do not intend to be. But I wish that I could talk to my father and that he would actually hear me. On the advice of a very good friend I sat him down last night and talked to him about all of my frustration about trying to be what he wanted. After I had told him, he said that I was acting like a whining child and that it was time for me to grow up.

I am frustrated because it seems as though he and I are talking at each other rather than to. I will never in the forseeable future tell him that I am gay. I know that it would mean shame on him inside and that he would make sure I was shamed from the family. Right now, my family is all I really have. I have very few close friends and I rely on my family to be there. To lose that would kill me.

So I do not expect for my father to understand or even know that I am gay. Or, might be gay. I have not decided yet exactly what I am. I would like for my father to understand that I do not wish to be everything he wants.

Or, as my good friend said, if one child out of six is a failure, then that is not a bad success rate.

Faithfulness Part I

2006-07-10T21:15:00.000-04:00

(Hurrah for 3 a.m. posts! The only reason for them being that for the time, and not of my choice, I am living with my father...away from my job and decidedly away from my boyfriend)

I have been thinking about this for some time. I had girlfriends when I was in University, but I was never very attached to any of them. Instead, I dated them because that was what I was supposed to do. At the time, I was also living very close to my father, and I did not want to anger him without just cause (he has never been very nice when angry). After I graduated and left home and moved across the country, things changed.

I work quite a lot, and so my week-day evenings were mostly just me coming home, making something to eat and then going to bed before waking up and starting all over again. The only differences were on weekends, and on Friday nights and sometimes Saturday nights, I would go out, get drunk, and find a woman. I would then take her back to my apartment, fuck her, kick her out the next morning and start all over again. I had a group of friends all of them who would do exactly the same thing.

It was interesting, because about two weeks before what I want to call "the incident" I had a conversation with someone and homosexuality came up. I said for certain that I was not and never would be gay.

It all started to happen during the World Cup. My friend, let us call him G, who really does not watch football at all, invited himself to my apartment one Friday afternoon to watch. I usually get high with G, and this was one such Friday evening.

I had a really bad trip and so I do not recall most of the match, and all I do remember is G helping me to bed, tucking me in, asking me if I was okay. And then everything became unclear except for one thing - I was sure that he kissed me. I stayed in bed all weekend recovering but all that was really on my mind was whether or not I had made up the kiss in my mind, and if not, whether it had been because we were both high, or if he really wanted to kiss me. And if I wanted him to kiss me at all.

ciao!

2006-07-10T10:13:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. I got this idea for making a blog from reading other blogs about men that were well as confused as I am. My name is Alessandro, I am 24, nearly 25, and confused about who I am. I come from a traditional Catholic family, two of my older brothers are in the Priesthood. I am the youngest in the family and a spoiled brat and not afraid to admit it.

I am also possibly gay. There is a man in my life who is far more certain about his sexuality than I am and I suppose we have been together for a few weeks and have had a lot of fun. I enjoy his company and I cannot say I have ever had a successful relationship with a woman in the past anyway.

Another problem is that I do use drugs. I am not particularly proud of it, but I do (and so does my "boyfriend").

My father has been pressuring me to "be a man" and to find a wife. That is the last thing I want to do, even before I became involved with a man, is get married. I never really planned to.

I feel as though I am trapped between the bounds of my family and my Catholicism and the fact that I have genuine feelings for another man.

Anyway that is a little about me.